by Omar Mazariego

The Watchmen are to the comic book guys of the world what Girl Scouts are to Roman Polanski—almost like the Holy Grail or something. As a graphic novel, Watchmen was considered a masterpiece and no one thought it could possibly be made into a film. But then again, it came out in the year 1986, and back then Jeff Goldblum transforming into The Fly was as good as special effect got. Twenty-two years later, geeks and virgins can rejoice because the unfilmable comic book has hit the silver screen.

So me and a few of my homies went to see it, and needless to say we could’ve easily robbed everyone in that theater. I mean for real, besides us there wasn’t one person in there with a street bone in their body. I was two seconds away from kicking it to this cutie right in front of her man. And dude was like a foot and a half taller than me. When the lights dimmed and the previews came on he squealed like the young LL Cool J in that Old Spice commercial. But whatever.

I was there to see Watchmen and I must say, the story was straight genius. It was history rewritten.  In the 1940’s, regular people became superheroes and made a huge difference not only in the US mmpicbut around the world. Not only did the United States win the Vietnam war because of their help, but Nixon was able to stick around for a fifth term in office. By the time the ‘60s came around, superheroes were considered vigilantes and they become outlawed. Some retired and ended up with your everyday 9 to 5 jobs and others worked with the government. Then one by one they’re murdered, including a super hot lesbian and her lover. (This is a role Lindsay Lohan should have fought tooth and nail to get. Aside from being a well-known hot lesbian whose career could use mouth-to-mouth resuscitation—pun very much intended—the role is only like 2 minutes long. It coincides with her work ethic perfectly).

But when an ex-hero called The Comedian (a real douche bag of a man) is murdered, his old homie Rorschach (dude with a mask that has moving ink or something) investigates. In his investigation he turns to his old Watchmen teammates: Nite Owl II (real herb of a man—glasses, no chin and the ‘04 Ryan Jones wig piece); Dr. Manhattan (blue dude with atomic matter for a body who’s an exhibitionist); Silk Spectre II (cute shorty with a weirdly oversized head for her body who turns out to be a slut); and Ozymandias (flamboyant dude who everyone refers to as the smartest man in the world).

But Rorschach learns that each and every one of them is reluctant to come out of retirement (if only Michael Jordan and Jay-Z were former Watchmen). So Rorschach goes off on his own while each one of them goes into their personal memories of The Comedian, a selfish muthaf*cka that was more villain than he was a hero. Without going into how evil he was, let me just say that Rihanna is damn lucky that Chris Brown is her man and not The Comedian. So the ex-heroes refuse to get involved.

But Rorschach does gives them something to think about. And at a time when the US and USSR are in the middle of a cold war and are just a hop, skip and a jump away from launching nuclear missiles at each other, they have a lot to ponder, including feelings of regret and unfinished business.

So for the next two hours and forty-five minutes we’re treated to origin stories, dialogue that goes deep into the nature of men and the human psyche and a lot of scenes featuring blue balls (literally). To put it shortly, like most women, Silk is living in denial; Owl is living in fear; Ozy is looking to bring world peace; Ror refuses to live a normal life and Dr. Manhattan is losing his humanity. In-between all of this a lot of limbs get severed, tears get shed, a Bush-like plot to “save the world” from itself is discovered and there was a superhero sex scene so long and graphic that going to the very back of the theater and getting my Paul Reubens on actually crossed my mind. During that scene an entire family (two parents and 4 children) got up and left. This in turned caused me to laugh out loud and say, “Esto no es pelicula de Disney!” (they were a Latino family).

Contrary to what most critics say, I wasn’t blown away by this movie. It’s 3.5 Gangstas at most.

I’m not a huge comic book buff though I do occasionally buy them to be entertained (Is Batman really dead?), but I’ve never read Watchmen, so I have nothing to go off of what it should’ve been like. I hear true Watchmen fans are disappointed. My personal opinion is that it was OK. The credits during the beginning of the movie had a phenomenal opening sequence, showing how the world was changing year by year and how each hero was significant to it. It was art.

And as great as the story was, it just seemed hollow at times due to the acting from Silk, Ozy and even Dr. Manhattan. Their portrayal of the comic’s characters left much to be desired. You really didn’t care how they resolved their issues—and after a while you really don’t care if they live or die in a nuclear war, you just want to see an ending to the movie, period. It really felt like it should’ve been tagged “The Never Ending Story 3.”

Visually, it was fantastic, but everything else needed the kind of work that Michael Jackson and Lil’ Kim get done yearly. So for that I’ll advise y’all to wait for Watchmen on cable. Unless the DVD has an actual “ending” to the sex scene. Then I’d say go for the gusto and check that out.