by Omar Mazariego

I’ma keep it real, I’m not gonna sit here and review the VMA’s award for award or performance for performance. I’m just gonna comment on the things that really stood out to me and had me smiling, laughing or just bugging out, na’mean?

• The Michael Jackson tribute was cool, but I was expecting some next level ish. The way they hyped it up, I was expecting them to have someone moonwalk on the moon for real or feed Joe Jackson to an army of hungry rats to honor the memory of Mike and Ben at the same time or something. Madonna’s “eulogy” for the King of Pop was cute, but really sounded like more of a compare/contrast of their lives and careers. I don’t care that they were both born in August in the suburbs and she didn’t have a mama and he didn’t have a childhood — why are you talking about you when you should be talking about Mike? The tribute itself with all the dancers dressed down in different signature MJ gear was pretty dope.  Dancing to “Thriller” and “Smooth Criminal,” they really held it down. And when Janet stormed out with her thick and sexy self, she blew up the spot. Janet can still get it…with that leather suit on. S&M status! Nah, chill, son.

• Come on, again with Russell Brand?? How was he not gunned down after the Vegas VMA’s? Tupac gets shot out there, but Russell Brand is allowed to make it to the airport?? Where are our morals as a society? (Kidding!)

• Real talk, Beyonce got ripped off. She definitely had the best female video. But when did Kanye West inherit the spirit of Old Dirty Bastard? Rushing the stage and just spoiling Taylor Swift’s moment? Bogarting shorty’s mic time and saying, “Beyonce had one of the best video’s of all time.” OK, given, she did, just because every time I see “Singles Ladies” I get as hard as Ma$e when he’s around 50 Cent, but let that little country girl have her time in the spotlight. God knows Beyonce is more relevant and is gonna be around a lot longer than she is. Let’s see Kanye pull something like that on Heather B or Remy Martin had they won it. yeezyswiftThey would’ve labeled that “Flashing Lights” video a premonition, and there wouldn’t been nothing left of Amber Rose but a petal or two. And you know it’s wack when Russell Brand is trying to squash beef between Kanye and Taylor Swift. But then again, judging from Kanye’s recent albums and wifey choice, it makes sense.

He should’ve kept it hood and bum rushed her for that mic during her performance in the subway. She would’ve jumped right on the third rail just to end it all as quickly as possible. I like Kanye West, but that move was as ridiculous as Lady Gaga’s red outfit and mask. Who is she? Dead Pool?

• I can’t stand Jack Black even as an animated Panda. He’s the biggest cornball since John Leguizamo during his “Pest” days. Green Day winning Best Rock Video really means nothing to me. It was probably a classic to that genre like “Warning” was to hip-hop, but I wouldn’t know. So it’s whatever to me. Same goes for Lady Gaga, who reminds me of Macaulay Culkin in Monster. (Yes I saw that movie. Fez, you played yourself in it.) She was doing her thing on stage, but once the blood came into play — I don’t know if that like was a gang sign to the gay community, like Papoose did when he performed at Rikers Island, but I wasn’t ready for that.

• The Tracy Morgan sketches with Eminem was hella funny. But Eminem really seems to be uncomfortable in his own skin at this point in his life.

• Wale’s performances in between awards was dope on MTV’s part, to let a real MC do his thing on prominent commercial stage. Even though they didn’t let him rock on TV so they could get that commercial money, heads in the audience got put on to game. So that was good looks.

• Megan Fox is hot to death, but she’s a bird. Shakira needs to be pregnant with my baby.

• Who the hell did Britney bust to win best pop video? Her song and video were as wack as they come.

• That black chick kissing Asher Roth during the best new artist vote was fantastic! But the Communist-looking Statue of Liberty won. And I’m glad Drake didn’t win best new artist. He’s crazy overrated. He’s alright, but he’s not changing the game dramatically. He’s just adding another layer to the current state that it’s in: mediocre.

• And why would you have Pink close it out? She hasn’t been relevant since she was a hazard to herself.

• Finally the Jigga performance with the Homewrecker was cool, and yes, she is still one of the sexiest women on the face of the earth, but why did Lil’ Mama join them on stage? Jay’s going soft. Letting T-Pain jump on his Summer Jam stage and now Lil Mama — son, what’s hood? That was Lil’ Mama, right? I haven’t seen her since “Lip Gloss” so I could be mistaken.

All in all, the Awards themselves were a sham — Beyonce winning VOTY and T.I. winning BMV were the only valid awards. The performances weren’t mind blowing, but overall it was more entertaining then it’s been in recent years. But please, whoever’s up there at MTV listening, never bring back Russell Brand.

Bring back Chris Rock.