by Shannon Booher
Line Of The Night:
Dwyane Wade — 40 points, 11 assists, 5 blocks, 1 steal
We dare you to watch a Miami Heat home game and not end up walking around all night yelling, Dwyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade. Supposedly Chris Bosh called up his director immediately after hearing about this L.O.N.nie, in order to work on a protest documentary. “But L.O.N., I scored 40 last night, and I didn’t get it ’cause we lost. Now you rub it in my face by giving it to a guy my team beats? It’s not fair.” Il Mago was our second choice. Happy? Didn’t think so.
Worst Of The Night:
David Stern… The League… OKC’s owners… Whoever… You replace the Seattle Supersonics, one of the storied franchises in the NBA, with this joke? The Thunder? That is an absurd name. Their court looks like a circus tent. Over half their roster belongs in the D-League. What a debacle.
Amazing sub-fact: They printed and sold t-shirts to commemorate the first meeting between the Clippers and Thunder in OKC! Speechless. Fill in your own punchline here.
Beast Of The Night:
Andrew Bogut — 20 boards, 16 points, 3 assists, 1 block
There is some suuurrrous rebounding going down this season. Bogut probably needed a few less boards though, and a few more makes, since they took an L to the Jazz.
Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:
Joe Johnson — 19 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal
It was a struggle for Joe all night — 7 turnovers, 7-22 shooting — until winning time, that is. Then he did what he does, and the Hawks put away the hapless Wizards. It also helped that in the last two minutes, the Wiz forgot Caron Butler was on their team and Nick Young played as nervous as a wet cat.
Also, Marvin Williams. That’s because we love him and his team is better than Chris Paul’s (right now).
Near Beast Of The Night:
Zaza Pachulia — 18 boards, 4 points, 4 assists, 1 steal
If Zaza–playing with essentially one arm, no less–is nearly beasting fools, then we are really starting to believe Brendan Haywood is Washington’s missing link.
Contraction Club Of The Night:
Chicago Bulls, 74 points vs. Portland
Only 74 AND you lose by 42? You were down by 20+ at the half and needed only 43 to break 80. Have some pride guys. There is physically and mentally no way Portland’s D was as intense in the second half. Shouldn’t the bench guys want to get some shine? Are they simply that terrible? Vinny the Black? What do you have to say?
Thief In The Night Of The Night:
Cuttino Mobley — 23 points, 7 steals, 2 boards
And these weren’t handed to him, or even the “cheating in the passing lane” variety. These were legit, “run your jewels, son!” jacks, mostly on Kevin Durant. Young fella is going to have review the film and tweak his turn-and-face after all these Mobley rips. Durant got him back a little though. Tim Thomas pulled the “Kobe in the Olympics vs. Rudy” defensive strategy of forcing his man baseline with no help in site. Durant accepted the invitation and BOOM–dunk mouth. No breakfast served though, as Mobley deftly avoided the meal, sort of flying by with his arms straightup, with a very frightened look on his face. And one last thing… no decent barber in OKC, Kevin? We’re just sayin’.
Lorinza “Junior” Harrington. Don’t ever forget… What is Lindsey Hunter doing in a Bulls uniform? Did he miss Big Ben?… Has A.I. rejuvenated ‘Sheed? The Pistons took down the Cavs in a nice little post-season preview, last night… What’s up, N’awlins? Sacto? Really?… It was great to see Josh Smith so excited on the bench during the Hawks win. Get better and get back on the court!…