By Sam Rubenstein

Last night I went to bed having not watched the world series game. I woke up this morning, and it turns out that Kenny Rogers has been cheating. Wait, my bad. It’s unfair to throw accusations out there, dragging people’s names through the mud for no reason. Okay, nevermind. The guy was a punk in big games, then magically at age 41 threw three straight gems in the playoffs, with some dirt on his hand coincidentally all three times. Watching the cover up of this particular instance of cheating has been in a word: funny. Ah… cheating at baseball, now that’s the great American pasttime.

In other news, Shawne Merriman of the San Diego Chargers gets praised by NFL types for having a non-stop motor, a combo of speed and strength almost unmatched in the game, and he celebrates his sacks by shooting at God with 2 uzis. Well, now we know why. Steroids. Again, not allowed to blame someone for cheating, even if there’s proof. He says he has an excuse. Even though the guy in the NFL that you could compare Merriman most to is Julius Peppers, who was suspended for some steroid stuff when he was a rookie. Look at today’s NFL player. The combination of size and speed on these guys should be illegal. Why is this generation of players so much bigger and faster than any generation before them? Evolution? Come on.

And that brings us to our beloved NBA. The Finals were VERY suspect with the officiating going against the owner that whines and moans and complains the most. The calls benefited a player that is the exact image of what The Commish wants to market. Dwyane Wade does not have wild hair, he doesn’t wear a headband, he’s not covered in tats, he never gets into trouble or even the slightest controversy, he’s a throwback to the day of the great American legend of the gentleman athlete, and he went to college for more than five minutes. But that was just one example. The refs are always terrible in the NBA, and the league has no interest in changing that, saying that it adds an element of human drama to game or some BS like that. Now they’re cracking down on everything from rubberbands on guys wrists, to yelling at the aforementioned horrible refs, to forcing this new plastic basketball on the game.

I think it’s time to just forget about the rules. Let the players play. Foreign substances, growth hormones, headbands… it’s all good. Ballgate, whatever. It’s a smokescreen.