Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008 at 8:44 am  |  68 responses

Beverly Hills 9021-KOB

The Pilot Episode

by Jake Appleman

With Beverly Hills 90210 set to return tonight on the CW and the season still approximately two months away, this only seemed right.

A few notes before you read this:

–It’s kind of written in screenwriting format, as much as the software SLAMonline uses would allow. That’s why the dialogue is centered. I could be wrong, but I think that makes something this long easier to read, though some of the centering makes the longer speeches look funny.

–I’m not an expert on the first version of the show because I was 10 when it was huge. If you want something that’s a straight parody, I’m sure you can find that in the next Bill Simmons mailbag. That said, in order to bring some old-school 90210 perspective to future episodes along with some balance and true Laker purple and gold, I’ve enlisted our own Myles Brown to help out with whatever this becomes.

–This is not intended to disparage anybody. Any true resemblance to the real life people this is based on is mostly coincidence.

–The pilot is here mostly to introduce you to the characters. Don’t expect the world to explode. Without further adieu…

INT – Locker Room Bathroom – Afternoon

Sasha Vujacic (a.k.a Machine) is wearing nothing but jeans and a pair of shower sandals as he rubs a dense, exfoliating moisturizer into his coarse stubble. As he exfoliates, he gargles some Listerine and spits it back into the sink. He walks over to one of the nearby shower units and ducks his face underneath some high powered water pressure. The green moisturizer completely gone, he takes a warm towel and wipes his face off while walking back to the sink. He looks into the mirror and smiles.

Like faded jeans, Machine wash dry.

Kobe Bryant enters wearing only a towel and a sly smirk. He walks up next to the sink next to Vujacic and flexes.

Machine, you been working on that English?

Machine always working on everything. Nature
of Machine.

(flexing, then stretching out his wingspan)
Okay, define “lithe”.

Thing on tree that change colors then falls
to ground, but not in Los Angeles.

I said “lithe”, not “leaf”.

Machine trying to learn more fancy English words,
like “flummox”, but unknown fancy English words flummox Machine.

If anyone asks, it means “Kobe”.

Kobe begins trimming his nose hairs.



Cinnamons for “lithe”?

Kobe looks at him quizzically and heads out of the room, eyeballing him suspiciously the entire way.

Weird f*cking guy. Won’t even give Machine cinnamons
for lithe. Gave Machine fancy watch and bought
Machine dinner but no cinnamons for lithe?

INT – Spacious living room – Later that day

Phil Jackson meditates quietly, eyes closed, his sublime zen-based peace maintained. We momentarily see different sorts of triangles–isosceles, right, an equilateral cross section of Rosario Dawson silver pantie fabric–float peacefully across a white screen that represents his mind’s blank slate. Jax hums peacefully. An eight year old Bill Bradley speech on the negative effect of hedge fund tax cuts on the middle class provides a quiet, harmless background. Suddenly, the door is thrown open and the peace disrupted. A maniacal Jack Nicholson makes a beeline for the yoga mat Jax is sitting on.

What the–

Sorry, coach, it couldn’t wait.

Oh, Jack, hey. I was wondering how a goddman rhombus
suddenly entered my zen triangle forcefield.

Listen, coach, I know you’re good at managing egos,
so I figured you could help me out.


Well, I saw this new movie, The Dark Knight, and
I think the dead Ledger kid out-acted me.

Apples and oranges, Jack. Two completely different
takes on one character. Nothing to beat yourself up over.
Can I interest you in a piping hot cup of chamomile tea or
a copy of Scared Hoops?

No, thanks. Coach, I just can’t get rid of these jealous pangs.

You would never have been able to play the part
that way back in the day anyway.

You think so?

I do. It was a different era. And honestly, you’re part
of the better film.


Yeah, of course. The script was trying to get way too smart
for its own good. And what the hell is the deal with Christian
Bale? “This is my batman suit voice, it’s so different from my
regular voice, you can totally tell I’m overacting.” And what about
having Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine in the same movie.
Casting department of redundancy department, if you ask me.

Yeah! Yeah! And what about Maggie Gyllenhall?

(shouting into the kitchen)
Honey, what’d you say about Maggie Gyllenhall?


What else?

Daddy wouldn’t throw the veteran’s minimum at her. Looked
like Katie Holmes’ grandmother dipped her face in brine.


It looked like Tyrone Hill’s face threw up on a white guy.

Thanks, Coach. I’m starting to feel feel better.
I just wish could have made a pencil disappear.

Overrated. I’ve made pencils disappear.

Oh yeah?

Brad Sellers, Jud Buchler, Brian Cook…


Phil smiles. They hug and he walks Jack to the door.

INT — Walton House — Evening

Luke Walton sits at the kitchen table, fiddling with the red straw in his green tea. He looks tense and bothered. His father walks in from the spacious den, wearing a trademark tye-dye t-shirt and a “world’s coolest dad” hat. He sees his son looking despondent and sits down next to him.

What’s wrong, son?

Dad, you ever been in love and didn’t know
what to do about it?

Luke, when I was a freshman at UCLA, I had
a hard time telling Coach Wooden about my
true feelings for him. But I gathered up my
courage, and we had a nice talk. To this day,
Coach Wooden remains the love of my life.

I’m talking about a girl, pops.

Women never made me nervous, son, only Wooden.

Wait, what?

Son, all you have to do is tell a woman how
WONDERFUL she looks; or talk about how
she’s THE GREATEST cook in the world.
Platitudes and shoes are the key to any
woman’s heart. Luckily, I found a woman
that could deftly slip into the hemp-crafted
Teva Sandals that define my soul.

I just don’t know.

Who’s the lucky lady, sport?


What’s so intimidating about this Lisa?

Well, she’s a better player than me; she’s won
more trophies than me; she gets more credit
for her looks than me; and I think she’s cooler than
me. She might even be taller than me, but we
haven’t stood back to back yet.

Son, you’re a Walton. Genetically engineered by
the game’s best passing big man, a loving mother and
absurdly high levels of THC, you’re THE GREATEST,
young man on the face of the earth. I think this
“Lisa” should be worrying about impressing you.

You think?

You’re a team player with an LA Gear contract! Cooler
than you? I think not!

Wow. Thanks dad. I think I feel better.

EXT — Beach in Malibu — The Next Day

Lisa Leslie and Candace Parker walk down the beach, immersed in conversation. A surfer comes running towards them.

What up, ya’ll? Ya’ll are hella tall!

Uh, hey.

Listen, my boy is throwing a kegger
tonight in Hollywood if you want to come.

Uh, no thanks.

I was talking to the other one.
She speaks for both of us, now step off.

Damn, what’s with all the hostility?

You better run.

And if I don’t?

You see the bruises on that chick’s
face from Gossip Girl in US Weekly?


Well, my girl’s a scrapper. And you don’t
even have fifteen minutes of fame to
necessitate her going easy on you when
beating your ass.


Oh my God, I will smack you so far back
in time you’ll be late for your audition for
Blue Crush.

Alright, I’m gone.

He walks away quickly down the beach.

Girl, you are somethin’ else.

Where are all the real men at?

That’s what I’m sayin’!

INT – Cadillac Escalade – Later

Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum roll down Sunset Boulevard in Odom’s tricked out whip that rolls on 26 inch chrome.

I can’t take this superficiality anymore

Too much fake, not enough real. I can’t take it.

Yeah, nobody’s direct with anybody like back home.

We shouldn’t put up with this.

Yeah, we need to represent. From now on,
whenever there’s too much drama goin down,
we’ll squash it.

East coast!

My man!

You just did a Denzel impersonation.


Denzel is west coast.

Yeah, but the character I’m impersonating,
a Harlem drug kingpin, is east coast.

The representation is still Hollywood produced, though.

Damn. So there’s no way to escape Hollywood?

I guess not.

They look at each other, pain written across their faces as we fade out.

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  • jay

    Brilliant!!!! you did Maggie Gyllenhal wrong, & i like it.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    Suck it hard, pork chop!

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    This was so good I don’t even want to have sex with Maggie anymore.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    Ok, I still do want to have sex with Maggie. But this was fun!

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    Jake is incredibly creative.

  • http://www.nrl.com.au Money Bill Williams

    Jake, i was laughing out loud but then as soon as i saw “INT — Walton House — Evening”, i was on the floor in tears knowing what was to come next. Your very entertaining

  • 1Ozzy

    Can’t wait fot he next episode!

  • http://sdfjkl.com Jukai

    “Luckily, I found a woman that could deftly slip into the hemp-crafted Teva Sandals that define my soul.” Well, that guarentees I wont be able to concentrate on work all day

  • sefos

    great stuff.

  • http://slamonline.com Holly MacKenzie

    Jake! When I saw another Kobe title I almost didn’t click on the post. SO glad I did. Fantastic.

  • http://www.slamonline.com James the balla

    Kind of cool yet really gay … needs more Kobe!

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com/ TADOne


  • Jeremy

    Man…I,I…I just don’t understand it. *sigh*

  • shakey handle

    Quick! somebody get Joel Kimmel to do the graphic novel version. Or that Mcgruder guy..

  • Kadavour

    Lisa Leslie, Candace Parker, and Surfer conversation aside, this was BRILLIANT.

  • http://www.another48minutes.blogspot.com Gerard Himself

    “It looked like Tyrone Hill’s face threw up on a white guy.”

    pure brilliance.

  • Kadavour

    I hate that i love this piece, yet HATE lisa & candace’s representation in this thing. i feel like you parodied misinformed stereotypes and you just couldn’t be more off. That sh*t was just wack

  • http://dyalekt.com d.Y.


  • http://www.freewebs.com/betcats BETCATS

    the greatstest thing ever. “SASHA
    Machine always working on everything. Nature
    of Machine.” i am laughing my @ss off at that

  • http://its-mitch.blogspot.com/ Paps

    Please do more.

  • matt the jazz fan

    great great stuff… next one should be the celtics (in honour of their victory) then artest and his new teammates, then clips + g-state double bill…

  • B. Long

    I just laughed so hard a little pee came out…and I have a meeting in 5 mins.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com DP

    MY MAN!

  • Marcel Mutoni

    awesome stuff, gents.

  • http://sdfjkl.com Jukai

    I like how Kadavour cries about how Leslie and Parker are stereotyped in this piece of fiction when it is quite clear that Bryant, Sasha, Jackson, Nicholson, Waltons, Odom, and Bynum also do not act that way in real life and that this was purposely altering how these people act in real life for a laugh.

  • http://twentythreenine.blogspot.com Russ Bengtson

    I’m trying to come up with a cinnamon for awesome.

  • Kadavour

    Jukai, don’t play yourself. This is satire and i understand and appreciate the play on stereotypes in these pieces, in fact, i think they are quite necessary. My problem with this one however is the that the satire is devoid of context in the case of Candace & Lisa. Yea there was that fight and i get that, but the dialogue was overly stereotyped (corny), magnifying the writer’s ignorance how the everyday black woman might react in such a situation. I liked every other character because 1) it was funny and 2) if the world shifted off its axis a lil bit, one could see these conversations taking place. People don’t talk like that. Hence, that sh*t is wack. I know everyone around here lets you run ya mouth like you know wtf ur talkin about, but maybe you should sit this one out Tiger.

  • http://sdfjkl.com Jukai

    Did you ever think it was PURPOSEFULLY ignorant? I think yer gonna miss yer Oprah Bookclub meeting soon, man, might wanna leave now.

  • http://sdfjkl.com Jukai

    If you can’t see the inevitable, “angry giant Lisa Leslie/meek, innocent Luke Walton” hookup building up, man, yer blind. This has nothing to do with black female stereotyping. Damn, man, you probably scream about this crap everywhere.

  • http://sdfjkl.com Jukai

    Kobe was a real prick to Sasha. That’s probably a stereotype to show that all black men are real assholes. Aw, and Odom/Bynum were talking about east coast and west coast. That means they all listen to rap music cause they’re black. Let’s fight this battle, Kadavour!!!!!!!!

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    “Daddy wouldn’t throw the veteran’s minimum at her. Looked
    like Katie Holmes’ grandmother dipped her face in brine”

    That’s pretty fuc*ing strong, Jake!!!! :)

  • nic

    “It looked like Tyrone Hill’s face threw up on a white guy.” done and done, take off the gloves, we have our winner!

  • http://theghostofroyhobbs.blogspot.com Mo Charlo


  • http://www.slamonline Jake Appleman

    @ Kad: I see what you’re saying (kind of), but this pilot is expository in nature and Juakai’s second 2:36 comment is really most to the point.

  • jaka

    Jax wasnt on the Bulls when Sellers was there.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com/ RV

    LMAO, i could actually picture them saying this, except for Sasha, but only because I don’t hear him speak much. Cinnamons?, that had me rollin for some reason….great job..you should do a couple of these with all these premieres this month.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    Kadavour, for some reason I have always pictured Jukai as some sort of human formed Chihuahua, devoid of inducing terror in his real life….little fuc*er!!!!!!! :) I love his snarky self, though.

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com/ TADOne

    Ya’ll missed the whole point: Jake didn’t like Dark Knight. Hater.

  • http://dyalekt.com d.Y.

    By the by, I didn’t like the Leslie/Parker scene either. It wasn’t nearly as strong as the rest. The cinnamon thing is insane. I’ll be biting that whenever I drink.

  • http://www.slamonline Jake Appleman

    It was okay, TAD.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    “This is not intended to disparage anybody”. Just wanted to point that out on Jake’s behalf.

  • http://www.slamonline Jake Appleman

    Thanks Eboy, if I ever own a corporation and need a lawyer, I’ll give you a call.

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    Let me know when they get to the Peach Pit.

  • http://www.slamonline Jake Appleman

    Jaka, exactly the point. He made him disappear.

  • Kadavour

    Jukai, you must be selectively stupid because I definitely said that the play on stereotypes is necessary, just markedly weak with the Candace and Lisa bit; that portion was a bit of a cop out as far as satire goes. I’m not interested in having a Slamonline “battle” with you, I mean, I would, but I have a life.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com/ RV

    Lang, i think you meant Subway

  • http://fjsdklf.com Jukai

    The “battle” part at the end was for us to band together and shout stereotype at everything that moves. If you don’t understand it now, I apologize, I don’t have any handpuppets to explain it any further. And don’t downplay what you were getting at, you’re pissing at it’s portrayal of black women. Don’t backtrack and tell me you just didn’t think it was funny. At least stand up for yourself, for chrissakes.

  • The Biz

    9021 The Slam version Jukai and kadavour have a heated battle about stereotypes people on this site take every thing so serious just RELAX

  • http://www.nrl.com.au Money Bill Williams

    Jukai, that finger puppets line had me snorting nutri-grain out my nose

  • Alex

    Well played sir, well played.

  • henry

    l.o. and bynum.. funny.. you did heath wrong though youre bad for that one ha, but still genius

  • The Ghost of Wilt Chamberlain

    Certainly the most entertaining article ever to appear in a Slam related publication.

  • http://www.nrl.com.au Money Bill Williams

    extremely good but a day in the life of isiah beats everything hands down

  • http://www.triplejunearthed.com/dacre Dacre

    lol beautiful… we need to film this… soemhow…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=627550406 KA

    im just sad that an explanation of the movie script format was required for the general slamonline reader :(

  • Sko

    dam, that was phenomenal, summer’s been slow on the site

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    2nd best piece of writing on SLAMonline that I’ve ever read. Only Russ’s ‘A day in the Life of Isiah Thomas’ pips it. Man…. great job Jake.

  • http://www.nrl.com.au Money Bill Williams

    hurst, you plagerising?

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    Plagerising…. like a fox! ;) No. You mentioned it and after thinking I couldnt recall anything remotely that funny except for Ping Ping on the Links a while back for the first time ( a year or so, maybe further). Also the Heat vs. Knicks ‘It happened’ by Russ? was pretty good and to the point ( or lack of them).

  • http://www.nrl.com.au Money Bill Williams

    link the heat vs knicks i havent read it before

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com/ Tariq al Haydar

    Very nice, although I’m disappointed: Not enough brooding. Where’s the brooding? I need brooding?

    Also, I can’t believe there was no Joe E. Tata cameo. Unforgivable!

  • riggs

    more candace please

  • chintao

    @ James the balla Sep.2 at 10:10 am ==> kinda’ cool, really gay DEFINES Kobe

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  • JK

    Southern Californians don’t say “Hella.” Gotta do more research on LA, man.

    Otherwise, funny.

  • Exile

    Rush into production…. filming starts this offseason.

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