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Thursday, October 16th, 2008 at 8:01 am  |  52 responses

Beverly Hills 9021-k0b

Episode 3: Lisa and Candace; Kobe and Vanessa; Machine and his beaches; and more.

by Jake Appleman

Episode 1 here, Episode 2 here.

INT—Bedroom—Afternoon

Candace Parker and Lisa Leslie sit on Lisa’s bed, gossiping.

CANDACE
You need to call him.

LISA
You think he likes me?

CANDACE
I know he likes you. Plus, he needs to settle down
after that whole stalker thing.

LISA
Imagine, me: Mrs. Lisa Walton.

They shriek excitedly.

LISA (CONT’D)
Oh my gosh, you know what the best thing would
be about me dating Luke and you dating Sheldon?

CANDACE
What’s that?

LISA
We’d never have to be scared of anything.

CANDACE
Why’s that?

LISA
Because we’d both have backups!

Candace starts staring into space. She’s thinking about him.

LISA
What’s wrong?

Cut to:

INT — Food Court at a Mall — Later

Kobe and Vanessa Bryant eat quietly. Kobe is obviously distracted, but decides to try and make conversation anyway.

KOBE
How’s that fruitista freeze?

VANESSA BRYANT
Well, there ain’t much fruit, and there ain’t much
freeze. Maybe there’s a lot of “ista”, but I can’t tell.

KOBE
That sucks.

A young acne-ridden teenager walks up to the table nervously.

KID
K-k-o-k-k-k-o-b-b

KOBE
It’s okay, don’t stutter. Take your time.

KID
Kobe.

KOBE
Yes?

KID
Nevermind, it’s not important.

KOBE
It’s okay, don’t be afraid. You can say it.
Come on, go ahead.

KID
Ok.

KOBE
That’s more like it.

KID
Kobe…

KOBE
Yeah?

Kobe begins to mouth the words, “You’re my favorite player. Can I have your autograph?”

KID
How does my ass taste?

Kobe stands up, hovering over the pimple-popper.

KOBE
I’ll give you ten seconds
to get out of my sight.
Ten, Nine, Eight…

The kid, looking like he’s about to crap his pants, runs away, disappearing into a pack of young teens his own age. They greet him warmly, like a hero.

KOBE
If I had a nickel for every time that–

VANESSA
We’re already rich.

KOBE
Oh yeah. But I’d almost prefer someone to walk
up to me and tell me to “eat shit”. At least that
would be original. What do I have to do get some
respect around here, jump over a mini van?

VANESSA
Anyway, I was thinking….We should go
on a double date with one of your teammates.

KOBE
Yeah, that would be a good
team-building exercise.

VANESSA
Not everything is team building,
and not everything is exercise.

KOBE
Everything is exercise. Anyway, anyone
in particular you had in mind?

VANESSA
Is Sasha dating anybody?

KOBE
You wanna spend time with Sasha? Machine?

VANESSA
He’s funny and stylish. What’s wrong with that?

KOBE
Are you hiding something from me?

VANESSA
No. What are you talking about?

KOBE
It’s just that…Nevermind.
I need to make a call.

VANESSA
Again with that? I don’t get it. Why?

Cut to:

INT – Staples Center – Later

Sasha “Machine” Vujacic is flirting with Lakers Girls Jeri-Faye and Richelle.

SASHA
Ladies, would you like to join me
for some machinations?

JERI-FAYE
What do you mean?

SASHA
Machine make machinations. You know…
Maybe machinate madly with maximum
matching machetes?

RICHELLE
You’re funny, and maybe
an idiot savant! I’m hungry.

SASHA
Machine buy you some synonym buns.

JERI-FAYE
That will go straight to my thighs!

RICHELLE
Your thighs are already busted.

JERI-FAYE
What!?!

SASHA
Ladies, ladies, for three pointer to swish,
we need to love each other. Or perhaps
we make four point play like good
olive oil; you know, with extra virgin?

Jeri-Faye
I don’t know about that.

Sasha
Okay, I teach you game. Machine in the middle.

Richelle
Sounds euro-tastic!

Jeri-Faye
I’m down.

They walk off, arm in arm in arm.

INT – House – Later

Phil Jackson rummages through his freezer. His wife, Jeannie, is in the other room, analyzing game film.

PHIL
Honey, where’s the hibiscus sorbet?

JEANNIE (O.S)
I threw it at Lamar Odom. He came over earlier and
started bugging me about how he needed to start.

PHIL
Where was I?

JEANNIE (O.S)
You were prank calling Jerry Sloan.

PHIL
Thanks for not bothering me. But really,
you had to throw the hibiscus sorbet? There
wasn’t a stray Klondike bar lying around?

JEANNIE (O.S)
I threw the first thing I grabbed.
I’ll be more considerate next time.

INT — Therapist’s Office — Later

Mitch Kupcheck sits across from older man with white hair and gigantic eyebrows. He looks up to the ceiling, trying to process what he’s just heard.

MITCH KUPCHECK
You’re not going to tell me that I traded Caron Butler
for Kwame Brown because I hate my mother.

THERAPIST
Unless you give me a better reason.

KUPCHECK
You want the truth.

THERAPIST
Of course.

KUPCHECK
Caron was too gully for Kobe.

THERAPIST
I don’t follow.

KUPCHECK
One of the biggest criticisms about Kobe is that
he manufactures his street-cred due to his upper-class
upbringing in Italy and suburban Philly. Well, Caron has
overcome a rough upbringing, to the point that he even
denounces certain things–gullyness that most teenagers
would aspire to mock–all while maintaining his hood appeal.
Kobe couldn’t take it. He has a gullyness quotient. If a
certain player exceeds it, he’s gone.

THERAPIST
That’s the biggest crock of–

KUPCHECK
Look at our roster!

THERAPIST
But you’re doing such a good job.

KUPCHECK
I stumbled into Pau Gasol because I
had to get rid of Javaris Crittendon.

THERAPIST
Really, Crittendon was a trouble maker?

KUPCHECK
I’m not sure. I couldn’t take the chance.

THERAPIST
Well that hardly seems fair to him. Still, you’ve
gotta focus on the good you’ve done.

KUPCHECK
I can’t. Kobe always gets in my way.

THERAPIST
How so?

KUPCHECK
Every day at two o’clock I have what I call my
“Kupcheck cupcake”. It’s my designated dessert
of the day. Kobe doesn’t want me eating unhealthy foods,
so he calls me everyday at two to talk about potential ways
to improve the team. Yesterday, I hadn’t even taken the saran
wrap off of my key lime pie when my pocket started vibrating.

THERAPIST
Why does he care about what you eat?

KUPCHECK
He thinks if I eat too much junk food, it will alter
my decision making. He’s a real health nut.

THERAPIST
Didn’t he just call you from Taco Bell?
Anyway…I think I was right.

KUPCHECK
What do you mean?

THERAPIST
I think your problems are rooted in your
mom. It’s just that Kobe is your mother.

KUPCHECK
Jesus…It makes so much sense.

THERAPIST
I’m going to introduce a new exercise for you.
Since you’re a fan of pun’ing off of your name
—”Kupcheck cupcake” and all—I think we should
introduce a short daily exercise during which you
stare in a mirror and tell yourself that you’re doing
well in your life.

KUPCHECK
Okay. What should we call it?

THERAPIST
Kupcheck gut-check.

KUPCHECK
My lyrical side loves it!

THERAPIST
Keep your head up, Mitch. This town
appreciates what you’re doing.

KUPCHECK
Thanks, Doc.

THERAPIST
Oh, and Mitch.

KUPCHECK
Yeah?

THERAPIST
I think you have Kobe wrong.

KUPCHECK
How so?

THERAPIST
Regardless of what you’ve heard, true inner
gullyness doesn’t always come from where
you’re from; it’s a state of mind. The truth is that
Kobe is the most cold-blooded assassin you know.
He’s probably just playing you.

Kupcheck is at the door when he hears this. He freezes. He starts to sweat a little bit.

THERAPIST (CONT’D)
Same time next week…right, champ?

KUPCHECK
(swallows hard)
Yeah.

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Tags:

  • http://www.alllooksame.com Tarzan Cooper

    !

  • riggs

    haha gotta love machinations and olive oil and such

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    From hearing my wife talk, Jake’s take on the 90210 universe is a million times more entertaining than the “redo” that’s on tv now. Great job, Jake and you may just need a job writing scripts instead of sports work. Just saying…..it’s pretty damn great.

  • Luke Perry

    Machine buy you some synonym buns – pure, solid gold Appleman

  • matt the jazz fan

    co-sign eboy: love this.
    ps thanks for including, no matter how marginally, a jazz reference!

  • Benoit Benjamin

    Nice. Very nice read. You got talent man.

  • Clockwork

    Now this is a soap I would watch. Really really good

  • http://AllAbout-Penis-Enlargement.com Jukai

    Wow, I haven’t read anything past the first Lisa/Candace part and I’m just cracking up hardcore. I couldn’t wait to read the rest to give you the props you deserve man. This is fantastic.

  • http://AllAbout-Penis-Enlargement.com Jukai

    The rest did not let me down.
    Simply marvelous.
    Jake Appleman should be at least top three in SLAM’s top 50.

  • http://www.ravingblacklunatic.blogspot.com Allenp

    I loved the gullyness quotient idea. However, since Caron and Kobe are actually great friends off the court, it might not be true in this situation.

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com/ TADOne

    “Because we’d both have backups!”
    Classic ish.

  • nic

    ah, the old kupcheck gutcheck. if i had a nickle…

  • Randy Brown

    Ladies, ladies, for three pointer to swish,
    we need to love each other
    ROFL

  • http://www.mybleedingfingertips.blogspot.com/ Myles Brown

    My lyrical side loves Jake.

  • http://kb24.com Bigi

    Love IT!

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com H to the Izzo

    *Slow clap*

  • ber

    where can i get a kupcheck cupcake?

  • http://myspace.com/bodiebarnett jbn74sb

    Good stuff. One thing though. Luke Walton already got him a woman – Richard Jefferson.

  • Static

    I know it so used already, but the kid’s response made me shoot coffee out my nose…great work

  • riggs

    needs more candace pictures

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    You know it’s Kupchak, right? I’m all for intentional misspellings, but I’m not sure you meant it. In which case, you lazy f*ck…

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    Oh, but it were funny, though.

  • http://www.where-basketball-b-longs.blogspot.com/ B. Long

    Please keep these going thru out the season.

  • slamfan4life

    hahah this is funny as hell

  • C

    classic

  • http://twentythreenine.blogspot.com Russ Bengtson

    The Phil/Jeannie exchange was outstanding. So was the rest of course, but that slew me. Slayed?

  • justin

    Damn Slam has changed so much, and not for the positive. Sh*t like this is wack as hell.

  • http://www.freewebs.com/betcats BETCATS

    Jake Appleman is god disguised as Micheal Jordan.

  • http://www.basketballbeat.com Tony Williams

    Damn, Jake, that was some funny ish! Not sure I’m crazy about you mocking my MAIN MAN Machine, though…”we make three pointer swish!” Classic! lol

    -TW-

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    justin FAIL

  • http://www.slamonline.com Jake Appleman

    haha jones, YOU’LL NEVER KNOW…’did he or didn’t he? is he this, is he that’…

  • http://chodrawings.blogspot.com/2008/01/pen-and-ink-portraits-nba-basketball.html M Cho

    Best show not currently on TV.

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com/ TADOne

    Justin has clearly left his creative funny bone in his past life.

  • http://www.where-basketball-b-longs.blogspot.com/ B. Long

    Justin: Try foxsports.com. Charley Rosen sounds more your style.

  • Tom

    classic!!!

  • http://www.slamonline.com iLL wiLL

    You sucked me into this bullsh*t with that pic of Candace Parker. WHERE ARE THE REST?!?!?!?!?

  • http://blog.myspace.com/djhoopdreamz Hoop Dreamz

    do y’all know what you’ve started? I’m hooked bro! If SLAM ever stops churning out these episodes I don’t know what I’ll do!

  • Chukaz

    Ya’ll should drop these more often. I’m talking twice a day.

  • Justin

    LOL at Kobe’s gullyness limit.

  • http://slamonline michael

    A yo tha laker thang is STUPID CRAZY!!! A is this was for real it would be the biggest thing since kobe winnning MVP!

  • MENDEL

    Mendel like. Mendel like alot. Somehow someway Ric Fox needs to make several guest apperances.

  • MENDEL

    Rick Fox should play like the older guiding figure to everybody kind of like Nat at the Beach pit. Ecept instead of going to the beach pit they run into Rick always around town at clubs, resturants, charity events, ect….

  • http://www.where-basketball-b-longs.blogspot.com/ B. Long

    Isiah Rider needs to be like a shady drug dealer who trys to get Sasha hooked for like one episode. It could be like the when I was a kid and they had those saturday afternoon specials about saying no to drugs. They didn’t really work but they were hilarious!

  • Levon J.

    thats real good!!

  • http://fjsdklf.com Jukai

    I want to see an episode where Bynum sees Kareem on the street and starts harrassing him for extra lessons and Kareem tries to weasle out of it by claiming he’s Roger Murdock and not Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

  • chintao

    Once again, I humbly ask that MENDEL be banned for life.

  • chintao

    Oh, and really nice with the Fil ‘n’ G-nee bit. She breaks-down film, while he makes prank calls. Zen-tastic!

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    Oh man… that was gold. Love it Jake. :)

  • andrew

    My lyrical side loves it! Gold, Jake. Nice one.

  • andrew

    Dang. Myles beat me to it.

  • kareem

    awh man! I never really watched 90210 but I know this would have better TV-ratings :P

  • Anton

    Sasha couldn’t get beaches like that in real life

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