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Tuesday, April 20th, 2010 at 11:37 am  |  29 responses

Review: Clash Of The Titans

Omar returns and keeps it Kraken!

by Omar Mazariego

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a believer that you can never truly remake a classic and have it turn out better than the original. Fist of The North Star, Psycho, The Amityville Horror, Day of The Dead — all these movies (and many more) were done right the first time, so why ruin them? But sometimes we get lucky and every now and then we’re blessed with a The Ring or a King Kong.

That said, I actually thought, felt and figured that a remake of Clash of The Titans would be nothing less than a grand slam. While the original had a fantastic story and mediocre yet cool acting, the special effects were as cheesy as Drake’s punch lines. (The kid is overrated. There I said it). But now it’s 2010, and movie monsters don’t look like they were made out of Gumby remains.

clash_of_the_titans03Unfortunately, even today’s special effects couldn’t help this abomination of a movie, which was far from a grand slam. It was barely a double. More like an intentional walk to first.

Catering to today’s generation of viewers who are ADD (Action-Driven Deviants), Hollywood ripped out the heart and soul that the original COTT had and replaced it with mindless action sequences, 3-D effects as weak as Shyne’s post-jail freestyles and a storyline so half-assed that you’d think it was written by Prince’s leather pants.

The new Clash of The Titans has Zeus (Liam Neeson) Amy Winehousing it for prayers to keep him and his crew of gods (WU! Tang!) alive, while Hades (Ralph Fiennes) is living through the kind of hate and fear that would probably give more life to Nicki Minaj’s career. (She’s the worst and I’m scared that my daughter will look up to her). Upset with mankind’s disrespect and defiance to the gods, Zeus lets himself be convinced by his dark brother and lord of the underworld, Hades (the Olympian version of Scott “Avenging Agent” Boras), to allow him to wreck havoc on mankind so they will be forced to praise their gods and beg for divine intervention.

His grand plan is to have the city sacrifice the young and beautiful (more like aiiiight) Andromeda (Alexa Devalos) to the Kraken in order to save the city from complete destruction.  But like Khloe Kardashian’s marriage to Lamar Odom, there’s an deeper and evil ulterior motive. No, not TV ratings or vast sums of money to look more like Kim and less like Chyna. We’re talking absolute control of Olympus. How Zeus trusts the lord of the underworld to do right by the gods, I have no idea. Maybe he should have made him sign a pre-nup that would still give him the world anyway.

Little does Zeus know that he has a bastard son on Earth, Perseus. The demigod Perseus struggled for most of his life with feelings of not knowing who he was and the feeling of not belonging to a family. But it was all good because the old fisherman who adopted him as a baby took him from a boy to a man, so he always had a father when his biological didn’t bother. In a fit of rage, Hades bodied his family like Francis Dolarhyde and left the bastard an orphan. This happened in an age way before Madonna and Angelina Jolie were out adopting future love slaves, so Perseus is basically on his own with a chip on his shoulder.  With a few soldiers to hold him down along with the lovely Lo (Gemma Arterton), he’s off to face giant scorpions, blind and hungry witches, and Medusa herself. (We had a “Medusa” in my hood. Men saw her from behind and approached her with every intention of going in for the kill, but as soon as she turned around and flashed her grill, they froze dead in their tracks!)

In the end, I didn’t care if Perseus got his revenge or if Andromeda’s blood was spilled, because there was no real character development, chemistry or story to get the viewer involved. A far cry from the original where you didn’t want one hair on Perseus’ 2004 Ryan Jones/Farah Fawcett wig piece to be harmed. (You could’ve done Pantene commercials, Ry.) And you sure as hell didn’t want the world to be without the gorgeous Judi Bowker. That was when Perseus was trying to save a beautiful woman from a sociopath named Calibos and his vain mother, Aphrodite. Today he’s out for simple revenge with a buzz cut in an age where there weren’t even any hair clippers. Meanwhile, Zeus is basically a rapist and the Kraken looks like Cloverfield’s daddy. If I was Perseus, I would’ve spent half that movie trying to get Lo to go low, ya know? She was fine!

While the special effects were cool, the action scenes themselves were nothing to marvel at (which is horrible for a movie driven solely on action). And there really wasn’t any reason other than monetary to make this a 3-D movie. It’s not a good look when the best 3-D sequence comes from the handclaps in the Step Up 3D trailer! (Who the f*ck wants to see another “I’m poor, you’re rich, but let’s dance anyway!” movie?? We’re in a recession, people!)

Ultimately, Hollywood strikes again and the next time I need my Greek mythology fix, I’ma turn on my PS3 and let Kratos educate me on what true revenge against the gods of Olympus should look and feel like.

FINAL RATING: 2.5 Gangstas

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  • Monstarzz

    Been a minute, O.

  • Robbi

    Should have been a 0.5. Terrible directing and writing.

  • http://Www.lkz.ch Darksaber

    My dawg!! Welcome back, all is well in the world of Slam. Okay, i truly could have passed on a review of that hot mess called COTT, but as usual Omar makes it a fun read. So, umm next one’s gonna be an Iron Man 2 review right? Or as i like to call it, “Scarlett as Natasha Romanov in the black widow costume is gonna make my head melt” 2.

  • http://Www.lkz.ch Darksaber

    That Khloe K. diss was so on point btw, i found myself merely nodding in agreement.

  • O

    Yessir, my writings a lil rusty being I haven’t reviewed a flick in a while. But i’ma definitely get back on my O sh*t. Its gonna be a hot summer…

  • http://slamonline.com Brad Long

    “as weak as Shyne’s post-jail freestyles”. “Messiah” was the most disappointing thing I’ve heard since Fifty dropped “The Massacre”. Thanks for the review, O.

  • O

    Shyne is trash right now, man. R.I.P. Guru. “Hard To Earn” forever!!

  • O

    Good lookin’ Saber. I’ma start getting back to movie reviews so best believe it’s gonna be a hot summer. And I mean that, not like when Cam said that about going up against 50 and we never heard from him again…

  • http://slamonline.com Chris Deaton

    Cosign O, cosign Brad. “Over” sounds like a parody of bad rap.

  • http://www.slamonline.com James the Balla

    R.I.P guru!!! Gangstarr!!!

  • http://slamonline.com Brad Long

    I wonder how Cam feels about Juelz making hits with Lloyd Banks?

  • Retrobat

    Hey O,

    I wanna see your review of Hot Tub Time Machine or Kick Ass! Get this COTT crap outta here!

  • O

    Brad, Cam and Jim Jones already squashed their beef. So he probably doesn’t care at this point. And word, I peeped Hot Tub Time Machine the other night and that joint had me *dead*.

  • andrew

    World is a slower place without O’s reviews.

  • http://www.hibachi20.blogspot.com BETCATS

    The Kraken is like Ricky Martin. It took more time comming out then it was actually out for.

  • Babygab

    Welcome back O ! Dude seriously, we need your review !!! I hate wasting my money on wack movies. Have mercy man, and make this a weekly thing !

  • engel

    “Ultimately, Hollywood strikes again and the next time I need my Greek mythology fix, I’ma turn on my PS3 and let Kratos educate me on what true revenge against the gods of Olympus should look and feel like.” Exact same reason why i didn’t bother watching the movie. Welcome back Omar!

  • http://joeloholic.wordpress.com Joel O’s

    Ahh. Great stuff. Loved the dig at Angelina/Madonna.

  • http://www.slamonline.com/online/category/blogs/farmer-jones/ Ryan Jones

    Hello, Omar.
    I had a semi-mullet for a brief period around 1989-90. Please check your facts.
    Sincerely,
    Ryan Jones

  • http://www.lkz.ch Darksaber

    Lol @ Ryan

  • http://thetroyblog.com Teddy-the-Bear

    Whaddup, O. Good stuff, man.
    Sad day for hip-hop though… Rip Guru… Hip-hop will never be the same again. Condolences to his family.

  • http://www.stonesthrow.com Michael NZ

    This piece will be complete once Mr Rubenstein posts a comment. Always good to see your sh!t on here O.

    RIP Guru.

  • Fred34

    Hey Omar, good lookin out. How about a Treme write up?

    Salaam

  • http://www.bluefont.com Hisham

    Lot of stuff in the movie looked straight up stolen from the God of War series. Even though I must admit that I was entertained by the movie, everything you said is on point.

  • hillbilly

    Neeson & Fiennes must’ve been in bad need of a paycheck to sign on for this pile of excrement.
    At some point during the filming, I’m sure one of those guys turned to the other & said, “Hey, remember when we did ‘Schindler’s List’ & still had some credibility left?”
    Sad, indeed.

  • Bishop1405

    Spot on review! The Medusa in the hood…oh my lol!

  • Paul Johnson

    Welcome back O! Yea that movie was really bad. I really wanted my money back. I like the reviews man keep coming back.

  • O

    Good looking on the love and welcome back’s y’all. I appreciate that. And Man, I know Lang got a pic of Ryan’s Fawcett’s wig piece in ’04 somewhere. He looked like Perseus in the original COTT. With glasses tho. And even though i’m not a huge fan of remakes, i’ma be first in line to see A Nightmare on Elm Street!

  • http://slamonline.com YKNOT

    There really were more 3d shots in the previews than this whole movie!

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