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Wednesday, November 14th, 2007 at 1:05 am  |  40 responses

Links: BEARD CHALLENGE ’07

DeShawn? Drew? We all win!

by Lang Whitaker

So I got an email tonight from Dan Steinberg, one of my main men over at the Washington Post. Dan sent along a link to this post over at his DC Sports Bog, detailing the latest trick up Drew Gooden’s sleeve: A Beard-Growing Championship.

After prattling on about Gilbert being injured or scoring or being wacky or something, blah blah blah, DeShawn Stevenson was asked about his unusually full beard. Reports the Sports Bog…

“I’ve got a bet with Drew Gooden,” he said.

Yes, that’s right, our very own DeShawn has made what we’re calling an “undisclosed wager” with the formerly ducktailed Cavs forward Gooden, who began growing his own beard over the summer. Both guys live in Orlando, and they saw each other socially. Gooden had a beard, Stevenson made a comment, and so Gooden challenged him to grow facial hair of his own.

“So I said all right,” Stevenson said. “He said ‘who cuts it first,’ I said let’s do it,” and the rest was history.

Two months later, all is going according to plan. DeShawn says the beard doesn’t itch, and he’s allowed to edge it up to keep from looking “all nasty,” as Wiz beat writer Ivan Carter put it. There was some concern in the locker room that the beard might be a bad-luck charm, what with that 0-5 start and all; Gilbert Arenas kept asking Stevenson to shave it off. But I’d disagree; I’d argue that a long and stringy beard will bring power, and accuracy too; Tolstoy was killer from three-point range. I asked DeShawn what he thought he’d look like in March.

“Probably look like Teen Wolf,” he said one time. “Probably Moses,” he said another time. “Moses with an even cut.”

Also in his post, Dan references my Knicks game notes from the other night, when I wrote…

• Just got an email from Drew Gooden. I’d emailed him the other night at Russ’s behest to tell Drew that with his luxurious neck beard he looks like Abraham Lincoln. Drew’s response…
“LOL! U know I always got something up my sleeve!”
Also on your neck, Drew.

In his email alerting me to this bubbling rivalry, Dan urged me to “get some comments from your boy.”

Well, I’ve got your comment. When asked who he believed will win Beard Challenge ’07, Gooden showed no hesitation…

“Hopefully me! Its a pretty large wager and I don’t want to lose. I already lost to him in a High School State Championship, but beat him in last year’s Playoffs. This one would put me ahead 2-1 when I win!”
D Good 90

I like Drew’s optimism and his commitment. Drew has previously proven that he possesses a staggering ability to flout societal norms in the pursuit of avant-gard hair stylings. Beard Challenge ’07 is no different than the legendary ducktail, except it’s on Drew’s face and stuff. He can do this in his sleep.

So, I’m riding with Gooden here, Dan. And Dan, I know you’re supposed to be all “impartial” or whatever, but it’s only natural for you to feel a draw toward DeShawn, who you already call “our very own.” Drew’s not a local guy for The Links, but he is our guy. Does this mean The Bog against The Links? Can we tie the future of our respective content to the facial hair flowing from the faces of these men? It’s like West Side Story, except with beards!

I’m going to keep checking in with Drew about this until we have a clear winner, and hopefully Agent Steinz can keep an eye on DeShawn’s peach fuzz.

(I’m also looking for beard-growing tips, so send those in and I’ll forward the best on to Drew. Also, if any of you bump into DeShawn Stevenson in the street, tell him his beard looks really bad and he should shave it.)

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  • luckyluciano

    first in the HOUSE!!!

  • luckyluciano

    I finally won something on Slamonline

  • RV

    when Drew grows some hair ON TOP of his head, then i’ll be impressed..

  • jay

    so there are tips on beard growing??? i thought you just dont shave, but what do i know, im just a lady.

  • MattP

    Here are some beard growing tips…

    http://members.aol.com/Beardguy/beard036.htm

  • Homie

    This is showing my age, but does anybody remember the beard growing episode of Cheers? Cliff the mailman glued fake hair to his chin to win…it was hilarious. But not as good as the episode with Kevin McHale.

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    Cheers is on my DVR list.

  • http://wherespmac.blogspot.com Justin Adler

    The NBA, where betting more than the average American’s salary over a f*cking beard happens.

  • http://www.myspace.com/impulseshopper_acquirente its just alex

    Baron Davis should judge this contest.

  • http://www.tasa201.wordpress.com Tariq

    You guys should organize a beard challenge for Linkstigators. I would destroy everyone, including Sam.

  • Rome

    I wanna grow a beard so I can become a priest!!!

  • Pic

    i wonder what lindsay lohan has to say about this

  • http://mynameinorange.blogspot.com Hisham

    I wanna grow a beard and wear a turban (sp?)so I can have my own private car each time i board a train

  • http://slamonline.com Holly MacKenzie

    Luke Walton’s got something weird going on with the facial/neck hair as well. Maybe he’s in on this bet?

  • http://slamonline.com Sam Rubenstein

    Tariq, hate to disappoint you but I have to get mine chopped down by a professional today.

  • http://www.tasa201.wordpress.com Tariq

    Sam, that just goes to show that I can’t be beat. For my prize I would like one of those red New Era Slam baseball caps I saw Konate wearing in some photo. Thanks. If that’s not possible, I’d like Eboy’s head on a platter instead.

  • http://collinorcutt.wordpress.com Collin

    I think this should be expanded to include all NBA players ( excluding foreign players, they have an unfair advantage with the speed their beards grow as displayed by Vlade Divac’s half-time 5-o-clock shadow). David Harrison and Scott Pollard immediately come to mind as necessary contestants. Ronnie Turiaf as well. Collison would be down. And I’m pretty sure Steph would make the contest insanely entertaining (especially since he has a little free time on his hands now). Lang, why don’t you give him a call and get him in on this.

  • maio

    You know it’s a f*cked up world if a DeShawn is growing a beard and a Darko isn’t.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rmtO9 SMK

    of course DeShawn’s beard doesn’t itch; he can’t feel his face

  • BETCATS

    can i enter the contest

  • http://www.rubensborges.wordpress.com Rubens

    what can i say when i can’t really grow a good bear in my age… oh, well…

  • http://www.myspace.com/impulseshopper_acquirente its just alex

    Hilarious, SMK.

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    I hope Russ enters the Challenge.

  • http://www.tasa201.wordpress.com Tariq

    Ooooooooooooooooh. I forgot about Russ. I forfeit.

  • JohnnyRebel

    Anyone remember when many years ago Lang’s Links had all sorts of rumors and inside news? Now it’s just one topic per day! Probably because of the new “news and rumors” section. I miss the old days circa 2003.

  • http://www.cfpf.org.uk/articles/rdp/caasqp/caasqp.html Tarzan Cooper

    where is jackie butler? houston?

  • http://nothinpersonal8.blogspot.com/ nothin _personal

    Collin, Turiaf is French (allegedly!) so hw has to be excluded. Plus, Drew is half-finnish, thus rendeering Deshawn the winner of this contest!

  • http://www.mybleedingfingertips.blogspot.com/ Myles Brown

    I just want DeShawn to actually win one of these bets.

  • deestarbuckz

    My middle school lunch lady would take them both for they loot!

  • KILLAGORILLA

    Dude, Drew should try to connect the ducktail with the neck bead and just shave the rest of his head!! He would have like a natural scarf…

  • deestarbuckz

    Imagine if Drew concentrated this much on remembering defensive rotations and not zoning out in the middle of the game? I wouldn’t have so many broken remotes and my girl wouldn’t continue wondering who “that ass” was that I keep cursing out on the T.V.

  • Eoin

    SMK just made an awesome post and only one person mentioned it.I tip my metaphorical cap to SMK.

  • http://hiphopremix.com/content/view/1010/28/ i Fux aka Etheraldinho

    Yo Dwight Gooden does sort of look like Big Abe[||] but Big Abe was way more fresher, No disrespect

  • http://hiphopremix.com/content/view/1010/28/ i Fux aka Etheraldinho

    *My Fault Drew Gooden

  • http://www.friendster.com/sesa Sesa

    I think the fastest way to grow a beard is to put a sperm in your face. I know it seems stupid, but it works for me on my college days. now I had to shave it off because beard is somehow not appropriate for the office environment.

  • Sko

    Sesa didn’t happen, so I’m co-signing, with Eoin

  • Chief

    Baron Davis is gonna find a way to win this contest. That Beard is unstoppable.

  • http://blog.cleveland.com/andone Carolyn

    Just wanted to let you know I have done my part to answer your call for maximum beard coverage:

    http://blog.cleveland.com/andone

  • Hugues M

    you’re right to not include international players cuz Pau Gasol would end up an incontested winner.

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