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Tuesday, December 18th, 2007 at 3:03 pm  |  47 responses

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Vote for SLAM? Plus the Nanny Stopper and Don Rickles…

by Lang Whitaker

• Got home from work last night and started cooking dinner, because that’s what I do. It was cold out yesterday, and soup sounded perfect, so I started from scratch, rendering the fat off some bacon while chopping a collection of onions, carrots, leeks and celery. I was about three cuts into the onion when I caught myself being kind of careless, and I thought to myself, Be careful, we don’t want to cut any fingers off.

So I slowed down and mowed through the pile of veg. As the bacon crisped up and it was nearly time to reach for my slotted spoon (what!), I had to finish the celery. I was literally on the last stalk, dutifully chopping away, when the knife hit something hard. Looked down and realized that hard thing I’d hit my left index finger. While my knife kept right on going, I did not. Blood was shooting all over the place, there was presumably some fingernail and flesh mixed in with my large-diced celery, and the bacon was about to burn.

It didn’t really hurt, at least not immediately, and initially I wasn’t sure what I’d done. Once I stopped the bleeding, I figured out exactly what had happened. The knife had come down and basically shaved off half of my fingernail (and a good hunk of the meat it was attached to) from my left index finger. You can see a fittingly grainy picture of the immediate carnage at left. Not fun.

Until about 20 minutes after the incident, I don’t think I ever fully appreciated fingernails. They are more than just decorative — they serve an important function, such as shielding all the incredibly sensitive nerves that I’ve discovered live just below your nail.

• Why did the Knicks really lose to the Pacers last night? Because of Marc Berman, NY Post beat writer. He explains it all really well here.

Also, after the game, Isiah said, “A lot of things have been said about me, teams that I coached. The way I played, I’ve never been accused of not having heart or competing.”

Um, Isiah? How about the 1985 All-Star Game when you refused to pass the ball to Michael Jordan because you were jealous that he was getting so much media attention? That doesn’t seem like you were very interested in competing. Or if you want to talk about heart, how about when the Bulls swept your Pistons out of the Playoffs in ’91 and you walked off the floor before the game ended and refused to shake hands with the Bulls? That doesn’t seem like you had a lot of heart.

I’m just saying…

• My man Dan Steinberg at the DC Sports Bog continues his urban-ification, today figuring out that DeShawn Stevenson’s post-shot celebration is actually Tony Yayo’s dance thing from about five years ago. (I was wondering when they’d get it.)

Now, Dan, ask DeShawn why he ripped off Tim Thomas, who did that same Yayo move in the Playoffs with the Suns two years ago after what seemed like every basket. Jack McCallum even had a thing about it in his Suns book.

• This blog Busted Coverage is doing a tournament of blogs, and they’ve got SLAMonline (which isn’t really a blog) going up against FreeDarko.com. Calling SLAMonline a blog is like calling ESPN.com a blog. There are certainly blogs within SLAMonline.com, but SLAMonline.com itself isn’t really a blog.

Anyway, they’ve got us up against FreeDarko in the first round, and Shoals and the fellas are killing us, which sounds about right to me. (As I told Shoals, I voted for them.) I’m not saying you should go over there and vote for us, but I do think you should go vote your way through their brackets. Have fun with it.

• How about those Atlanta Hawks? They put it on the Jazz last night and moved to 12-12, making the latest in a season the Hawks have been .500 since they last went to the Playoffs. I’m not going to say anything else because I don’t want to jinx anything.

• I was a little surprised that the Clips cut Ruben Patterson (a.k.a. The Nanny Stopper) last week, but I’m even more surprised that nobody’s inked him up yet. He’s not the greatest offensive player but I love his defense and his willingness to get dirty (in the basketball sense). I’d sign him if I was the Hawks.

• Don’t see the movie “Juno.” Just don’t. Not worth your time or money. But if you have HBO, check out the documentary “Mr. Wamth,” which is about Don Rickles and is hilarious.

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  • http://pimpsquad.com Angelina Jolie’s Wife

    Ooh, that looks like it hurt, baby!

  • http://slamonline.com Holly MacKenzie

    damn, Lang that picture gave me chills. ickkk. Waaaay worse than my cut finger the other week. Hope it heals up quickly!

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Now that I put two and two together, Lang does resemble Mario Batalli from the Food Network, only slimmer. Molte Whitaker! Do your thing Chef Boyardee.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Don Rickles is the man.

  • http://www.mybleedingfingertips.blogspot.com/ Myles Brown

    I was gonna see Juno on Saturday, but the line was around the block. Was it really that bad?

  • Jared

    Lang, thank you for gracing us, your posts were dearly missed.

  • says

    yayo was in jail 5 years ago

  • Captain America

    Lang, how do I know that is your finger? How do I know that it’s not W.H.E.’s finger from someone hitting him in the nose?

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    I don’t even know a White Hot Eboy.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Lang, I’m having a hard time picturing how you cut your finger while cutting celery. How exactly did you have your hand on the stalk? That seems impossible. A tomato or an onion, I can understand but celery is long with alot of surface space. Hmmmm…..

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Don’t hate, appreciate!

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    And unlike Mario, I don’t wear shorts and orange sandals 365 days a year.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Even as the holiday season approaches, the love from the SLAMdome never ceases to amaze.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    I said resemble Lang, not mimic. Jesus Christo!!!

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    I was holding the celery stalk with my left hand and working the knife with my right. The knife was in one place, and I was slowly pushing the celery left to right, working it through the moving blade. I had my fingers kinda tucked under so I couldn’t (I thought) hit ‘em with the knife. Thought wrong.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    And since you know his attire, I can only assume you’ve seen his cooking show. Dude make’s fantastic food and his restauraunts are fantastic. Sorry, man. Didn’t realize it would go so wrong.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Not that were gonna get gheyed out or anything..but when I cut celery for pot roast or stews, I actually move the knife instead of the celery, so I always know where the knives going and not vice versa. Sorry folks…this has been a tip from Food Network.

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    Here’s a little-known fact about me: I once appeared on an episode of Emeril Live. A chef friend of mine was a guest on the show and I went along with them, and they put me on the front row and Emeril talked to me and everything. I’ve seen it on Food Network a few times since then. Never wrote about it, though. Hopefully this doesn’t appear on my wikipedia page.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    How long ago, Lang? Did he mention where you were from or were you just a “civilian”? I am a Food Network frequenter, so I may have seen you.

  • http://aspov.blogspot.com Cheryl

    Lang, you embarrassed that you enjoy cooking shows? Do we need a dose of gender analysis? Cuz you know I’m game… :-)

  • Donn

    Hey Lang, question for you? I was watching the Hawks-Jazz last nite on League Pass and i was just amazed how empty the arena was for the game. I mean, the Hawks are an exciting and young team. I plan on watching them when they come to the Bay. What would it take for more fans to start coming to the games?

  • http://wheeltoheal.blogspot.com Pat Is Five

    from the great Mel Brooks: “When I cut my finger, it is tragedy. When you fall into an open sewer and die, it is comedy.”

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    Not embarrassed to enjoy cooking shows at all. I didn’t know how to cook anything when I moved to NYC, and then I learned Wifey couldn’t really cook either, so I started teaching myself how to cook. Then I became good friends with a dude here in NYC who’s one of the best chefs in the world and has his own cooking show, so I suddenly had a really good tutor. Actually, I’m not embarrassed to enjoy cooking shows, but I don’t really watch them that often anymore, either, because now Food Network is just a bunch of contests and weird shows. I miss Ming Tsai.

  • j

    Don’t forget the time Will Smith took Zeke to the rack and it looked like Zeke didn’t even try.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Lang, Bobby Flay? That’s my dude.

  • http://www.blogsketball.com Chris O

    good call, j. Zeke didn’t even shake the Prince’s hand after the game. I heard he sexually harassed Hillary and traded traded Jazz for Uncle Phil in a 2 on 2 game after taping. Said if Phil could lose the weight, he’d have huge upside. Will Smith just started bombing fat jokes after that. And treys.

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    @white hot: No, not a big Bobby Flay fan. Have eaten at some of his restaurants though and thought they were OK.

  • http://aspov.blogspot.com Cheryl

    Oh yea, Ming Tsai’s show was a lot of fun. That’s when I really got into watching the cooking shows. I love good Asian cuisine and I can’t find any here in South Florida. I have to wait ’til I visit NYC or San Fran. Bummer.

  • http://tadone.blogspot.com TADOne

    Only on Slamonline can we talk about slicing thru fingernails and cooking shows. I love it!

  • http://tadone.blogspot.com TADOne

    And Lang, that looked brutal. So how is it affecting your typing?

  • h-wag

    Ah, Lang´s back on the chilling lists.
    Was that the first injury post since Elbowgate ?

  • http://www.blogsketball.com Chris O

    Lang has lots of weird stuff happen to him. Anyone remember when he posted about blowing the loudest fart of his life?

  • dma

    finger nails dont serve any purpose, except for picking burgers. even about those “nerves” underneath them, without fingernails, we would be accustomed every time we hit said nerves.

  • h-wag

    With all those freak injuries over the years, does it make Lang the Dajuan Wagner of Slam ?

  • Gumdrop

    Lang Whitaker is a pathological typing machine.

  • Gumdrop

    Ruben Patterson is the type of guy I wanted to see the Raps get in the off-season, but now that Delfino and Jamario Speedwagon have come out of nowhere I’m not so concerned. Plus Ruben’s got a bit too much attitude.

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    Couldn’t the Suns use Ruben?

  • http://www.another48minutes.blogspot.com Gerard Himself

    I am a 28-year old guy, but I’m a wuss when it comes to fingernails. Seeing a picture like that…. yikes.

  • http://www.rubensborges.wordpress.com Rubens

    First Holly now Lang, take care of your fingers people, and feel better…

  • http://www.another48minutes.blogspot.com Gerard Himself

    oh and about Juno: basically you’re saying we shouldn’t see a movie that has good reviews all around (at least every review I read)? 8,7 on imdb.com, who knows, maybe it just wasn’t your thing? Haven’t seen it myself yet, but it can’t be worse than Blades of Glory which I saw last weekend.

  • http://www.friendster.com/sesa Sesa

    OK, I’m not cutting any celery anytime soon.

  • Rome

    Isaiah and the Pistons did to the Bulls what the
    Celtics did to them in previous years by walking off, that was nothing new. I like how the media automatically takes Jordans (may my spit and phlegm be upon him) side before even reviewing the history of the 80′s eastern conference rivalries.

  • phunkykarma

    I jammed my finger once while slamming a door (i know it’s really stupid) and i blew my fingernail.
    Not funny.

  • http://2muchg.livejournal.com WeS

    I cut the skin in the corner of my thumb off chopping vegetables… It doesnt hurt immediately – its crazy.

  • phunkykarma

    Hey, it’s time to create a club for people who have ruined their fingernail(s). i’m applying for preezident.

  • Allenp

    Isiah was a bad sport for not shaking the Bulls hands, but saying that showed a lack of heart is a stretch. And are you seriously talking about competing in an all-star game? Point blank, Isiah was a top-five point of all time as a player and nobody ever accused him or the Pistons of not playing hard. That’s what his comment said to me.

  • phunkykarma

    Maybe Isiah didn’t shake MJ’s hand because he had badly cut his fingernail.

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