Tuesday, January 13th, 2009 at 4:14 pm  |  43 responses

Links: The Dirty 30

This is an ongoing event…

by Lang Whitaker

My friend Sally who works here alongside SLAM at XXL magazine approached me yesterday to say she was pretty sure she’d seen me on the train on her way in to work from her place in Brooklyn yesterday morning. She said that she was pretty sure it was me, until she realized the guy she saw had more facial hair. And, she added, the other guy was thinner. (Thanks!)

After I got over the affront, I pointed out that it couldn’t have been me on that train because unlike many New Yorkers, I actually live in New York City. Yes, it costs a bit more to live in NYC than to live in Brooklyn or Jersey or Long Island or Queens or wherever. But when I moved to New York, I wanted to move to New York. What I didn’t realize was that living in New York meant I’d have to spar with Time Warner Cable for the last decade. I’ve had TWC technicians in my apartment so often that I know them by name.

And now my League Pass has been taken away from me. This is partially related to the reason I’ve been AWOL the past week or so. After 7 years living in the same apartment, Wifey and I are moving this week. We’re only moving about three blocks from where we live now, but we might as well be moving to a new country, as much coordinating and packing as this is taking. Organizing this move is like coordinating the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Games. I got a frantic call this morning at 9 a.m. from our new building’s Super that a rogue couch delivery was occurring before the floors were finished being varnished or something, so I had to run over to the new place and cajole them into storing the couch for two days in a back hallway. The super noted the hallway was unsecured, and I pointed out if someone could steal a huge sleeper sofa they probably deserved to keep it.

In the meantime, I had to call my good friends at Time Warner Cable yesterday to get my cable and internet service moved to my new crib. The conversation went something like this:

ME: Hi, I’m moving this week and need to get my service transferred.

TIME WARNER CABLE REP: OK, great. Let me put you on hold.

(a few minutes later)

TWCR: Hello?

ME: Hi, I’m calling because I’m moving this week and I need to get my service transferred.

TWCR: OK, let me help you with that.

(after five minutes of me giving them my old and new addresses)

TWCR: I see here that you also subscribe to NBA League Pass.

ME: That’s right, I do.

TWCR: OK, well, since that is an ongoing event, I’m going to have to go ahead and cancel that today. Once you move and we re-connect your service you can call and have the League Pass turned back on.

ME: Let’s talk about that for a second. What will reconnecting my service entail? You don’t have to send a guy to my place, do you? It’s a big building, can’t someone just flip a switch there at your headquarters?

TWCR: No sir, we have to do it in person. And looking at our schedule, the soonest we can have someone there is…Saturday.

ME: Maybe you didn’t catch what I said earlier, that I’m moving on Thursday.

TWCR: I understand, sir, but the soonest I can have someone there to activate your cable is on Saturday.

ME: Whatever. OK. So that means I can’t get the League Pass turned back on until Saturday?

TWCR: Right. After our technician leaves, give us a call and we’ll turn it back on.

ME: So you can turn my League Pass on and off from there at your computer but you can’t do anything about turning my cable on and off from the same computer?

TWCR: Uh, yes, sir.

ME: Nice. And you said you already turned off my League Pass?

TWCR: Yes, I just turned it off. It’s an ongoing event, sir.

ME: (laughs) I got that. But I told you I’m not moving until Thursday, right?

TWCR: Right.

ME: So why can’t you turn off the League Pass on Thursday?

TWCR: I could do that, sir, but once you schedule your change of service, I have to go ahead and cancel it. It’s an ongoing event.

ME: No kidding. And you’re keeping me from ongoing with it if you turn it off today.

TWCR: Right. But that’s the way the system is set up.

ME: I understand, and I’m not blaming you, sir. So let me get this straight: If I waited until Thursday morning and then called and said I was moving that day to a new address, I could watch my League Pass for the next three nights, until I move on Thursday. But if I called on Thursday, I probably wouldn’t be able to get anyone to come out and turn on my cable until like the middle of next week. Right?

TWCR: Um…yeah, that sounds about right.

ME: So I can either have the ability to do my job for the next three nights yet run the risk of then being unable to do my job for a week or so afterward, or I can not do my job the next five nights but definitely be able to do my job after those five nights.

TWCR: Well, it’s an ongoing event, sir, and…

ME: Yeah, I got it. Awesome.

bullbrookSo that is where things stand as of today. I’m hoping that David Stern will intervene and yell at Time Warner Cable like he did the Blazers front office. In the meantime, I’m League Pass-less (and I won’t be able to watch online at the new place until they come turn on my cable — and internet. The only good thing is that I get Knicks and Nets games on my local cable, so I was able to watch two NBA games last night. And I came up with a Separated At Birth for ya: Brook Lopez (with the newly shaved head) and Bull from “Night Court.”

I don’t know about you, but to me Bull Lopez sounds way cooler than Brook Lopez. Sussman needs to incorporate this into the lexicon out at the Izod Center.

Alright, let’s run these teams down. Last week’s Dirty 30 is here.

And yes, this is an ongoing event…

1 1 Los Angeles Lakers 30-6 I know the Lakers are struggling with injuries and had a few underwhelming wins lately, but they’re still the best team in the L.
2 2 Cleveland Cavaliers 29-6 OK, so how long before LeBron turns this whole “crab dribble” thing into an endorsement deal with Red Lobster?
3 4 Orlando Magic 30-8 How has Marcin Gortat escaped our attention for this long? The Marcin Gortat experience is coming your way, soon.
4 5 San Antonio Spurs 24-12 The Spurs finally lost a game in January, though it was against the mighty O(rlando).
5 3 Boston Celtics 31-9 Remember, it’s not a slump. We got it, Rajon, not a slump.
6 7 Denver Nuggets 25-13 Forget Chris Andersen, here’s the real Birdman. Brrrrrrrr!
7 10 Portland Trailblazers 23-14 They aren’t going to win the NBA’s friendliest franchise award, that’s for sure. When Darius Miles was briefly a free agent last week, someone here in the SLAM Dome suggested the Blazers sign him and keep him on the bench. I thought it was a clever idea but there was no way the Blazers would be willing to look like a bunch of jerks. Turns out I was wrong. Classy franchise, those Blazers.
8 8 Detroit Pistons 22-13 Michael Curry is hanging on to his team by a thread. Whatever happens in the next month dictates their season.
9 9 New Orleans Hornets 22-12 Shoutout to Peja Stojakovic for winning the NBA’s Community Assist Award for December. Keep up the good work, Peja.
10 6 Atlanta Hawks 22-14 The Hawks have lost three straight, Al Horford is hurt, Josh Smith still looks banged up, and now the Hawks go out West for three games. Hard times.
11 14 Houston Rockets 24-15 According to Yahoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!: “A bone scan performed on Ron Artest’s sore right ankle showed some stress, but nothing definitive.” Isn’t that sorta emblematic of his entire career?
12 12 Phoenix Suns 21-13 Shaq has hit 77 of his last 113 free throws. Hack-a-what!?
13 15 Utah Jazz 23-15 AK47 on Memo Okur dropping 43 on Indy: “I know what he’s capable of. He’s my neighbor.”
14 11 Dallas Mavericks 22-15 Because you know what the Mavs really need to become a better team? Another point guard.
15 13 Miami Heat 19-17 I know he’s a rookie coach and all, but seriously, how can Eric Spoelstra get away with forgetting Shawn Marion was on the bench in overtime of a close game? And if you forgot something like that, wouldn’t you try to keep that quiet?
16 17 Milwaukee Bucks 19-21 Zzzzzzzzz…
17 16 New Jersey Nets 19-19 Watching the homecoming of former Net center Nenad Krstic last night, I came to the conclusion that Nenad must’ve found some hair growth formula over in Russia. Just saying…
18 21 Philadelphia 76ers 17-20 Four straight wins by the Sixers is almost enough to make us forget about Sammy Dalembert finally getting his first assist of January. Almost, I said.
19 20 Chicago Bulls 16-22 Funny story Drew Gooden told me recently: When the Bulls were in Miami in December, Drew missed the game with a sprained ankle. He was sitting on the bench and when someone called a timeout, the ball bounced over to Drew. He picked up the ball, stepped onto the court and fired up a three-pointer from the corner. Only problem was that his suit jacket was too tight and his arm didn’t follow through, so he ended up shooting the ball up into the 24-second clock, which then drew a cascade of boos and catcalls from the fans seated nearby. Ladies and gentlemen, your Chicago Bulls!
20 19 Toronto Raptors 16-23 Coach Jay Triano summed up the Raptors by saying, “It’s not in our nature to be aggressive.” No kidding.
21 22 Charlotte BETcats 14-24 Totally random, but I love this commercial.
22 18 New York Knicks 14-22 Maybe Eddy Curry’s chauffeur would sound more believable if he accused a player other than Eddy Curry. After all, any NBA fan knows Eddy Curry hasn’t put a move on anyone since he got drafted in 2001.
23 23 Indiana Pacers 13-25 In case you missed it, here’s the highlight of the Golden Globe Awards the other night.
24 29 Minnesota L-Wolves 11-25 Right now, McHale is in the lead for my vote for Coach of the Year.
25 25 Memphis Grizzlies 11-26 In honor of the Grizzly bears, I just want to say that even though his show may have some parts which aren’t quite truthy enough for everyone, I’ve come to love “Man vs. Wild.” Bear Grylls is gangsta. Period. (Check out his shoulder X-ray here.) And I’ll excerpt his blog, also: “It made fighting a big pit viper rattlesnake interesting! (Although I did eventually get it. I then could eat it, and then use its skin to store my urine in whilst in the burning hot salt pan desert. The cocktail of snake innards and pee was truly terrible!)”
26 24 Golden State Warriors 11-28 Since he played in the Bay Area, this seems like the perfect place to shout out to Rickey Henderson for being elected to the baseball Hall of Fame. Here are some amazing Rickey moments. Before there was Manny being Manny, there was Rickey being Rickey.
27 28 Sacramento Kings 9-29 When my book comes out, I just pray this guy doesn’t review it. I wonder why ESPN.com hasn’t linked to that yet?
28 27 Washington Wizards 7-30 And now Etan Thomas is out. Maybe the Wiz should sign my man Jake Lee?
29 30 Oklahoma City Thunder 6-33 Their last two losses were by a combined 6 points. The Thunder are still losing, but they’re improving, and their next 3 games are at home.
30 26 Los Angeles Clippers 8-29 Sorry, Clipper Darrell. You are my man and all, but when your team loses 11 in a row, you get the bottom spot in the Dirty 30.
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  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com H to the Izzo

    Anyone see a little Ryne Nelson in Brook?

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    Lang, leaving Shawn Marion on the bench….at any time….is called smart coaching. Thanks, I’m here all day.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    ROTFLMAO @ Izzo!!!!!!!!!!!

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    If Brook starts doing weekly video blogs, there may need to be a full blown investigation into this.

  • Ken

    Loved the Bulls anecdote.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    1. I had also forgotten about Shawn Marion. Completely.
    2. Those parkour motherf*ckers are f*cking crazy.
    3. White chicken chasing black man? Racist.
    4. “We love you Lornee Mikes.” Outstanding, although I figured your favorite Golden Globes moment would be Megan Fox calling herself a “tranny” on the red carpet.
    5. Tina Fey looking the best I’ve ever seen here w/out glasses. Alright Tina.
    6. Steven Wells hates everything American. If cancer was cured by the combined goodwill of all American citizens, Steven Wells would hate it. That said, I’m sure he’s right about Paolantonio’s stupid book.

  • j

    I wanted to move to NYC, but after hearing this, I’m not sure I can.

    Plus Al Harrington and his bright PF Flyers are there.

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    What if we called him El Toro Lopez? That sounds a lot cooler than Brook.

  • http://www.rich-imaging.com Dutch Rich

    Me and my boy Rick are gonna stop by your couch. Is it suede??

  • http://www.alllooksame.com Tarzan Cooper

    angry chicken, tracy morgan, bear grylls. thanks lang. anyone else see the new man vs wild? the man is a savage.

  • http://slamonline.com Khalid Salaam

    I don’t know if this is racist to say, but that chicken is making me hungry.

  • http://www.hibachi20.blogspot.com BETCATS

    ^^^ isnt that show fake?

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    @Khalid: These pretzels are making me thirsty!

  • RayRayJr

    I heard it was fake and he gets help from the crew off camera.
    AK47 – “Bc he’s my neighbor” lmao whoo!!! He should’ve said “Bc I dont think anyone else on my team can do that bc I don’t see them shooting around in their driveway when I look outside my kitchen window”
    Great Dirty 30 as always as long as my La La Lakers are on top

  • http://www.slamonline.com Cub Buenning

    Loved the Bull from Night Court.
    Good times.
    Confused on the Nuggets’ comment, though…..

    Oh and Lang, these pretzels…… THEY’RE MAKING ME THIRSTY!

    One of my favorite TV moments, ever.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Cub Buenning

    The Lopez brothers are the goofiest things ever to matriculate at Stanford.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Cub Buenning

    I was done with my current stash of bathroom literature yesterday morning and ventured into my wife’s Vanity Fair and there they are!
    The Lopez twins sans shirts with a full-page spread.
    Bizarre to say the least.

    The next morning, my wife did mention, “have you seen those Stanford twins in this month’s Vanity Fair?!!?”

  • http://www.slamonline.com Cub Buenning

    Lang, I missed the link on first glance, sorry.

  • http://www.kicksonfire.com Anton

    I say Cavs over Lakers, we’ll find out next monday in the Finals preview match.
    Yeah, I said it.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Moose

    That chicken was awesome. Again, Lang with the sweet links! I like how that was under the Bobcats’ section . . . because Bobcats would most likely turn around and eat the chicken. Or maybe they’d be afraid of it too.

  • http://twentythreenine.blogspot.com Russ Bengtson

    The Bulls moved UP? How? Also, I’m glad Drew is enjoying his stay in Chicago. None of us fans are. He seems like a nice guy and all, but he’s not helping. Can’t wait ’til his contract runs out.

  • http://www.hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    Um, that parkour was pretty average Ryan. Of course a ‘normal’ person couldn’t do that but Boreo 13 (its French) is a great example of true parkour.
    I don’t get how the Rockets move down though. They’ve won 3 straight including Boston on the road.

  • http://www.hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    *French movie.

  • Teddy-the-Bear

    Come on now. The Knicks would smoke the Bobcats.

  • Teddy-the-Bear

    Worse than when we smoked the potty-mouthed Celts.

  • Teddy-the-Bear

    @ Lang: You never bothered with RCA? I remember back in the day RCA cable was the sh!t.
    We always had Time Warner though… At least it gave us MSG.

  • http://www.manutd.com Z

    Cleveland should be 1. It’s not that close, right now.

  • http://slamonline.com Joey

    Clipper Darrel is freakin crazy. whenever you guys watch a clippers home game, listen closely. your hear him. he starts chants and everything.

  • http://www.kicksonfire.com Anton

    The Hornets have learned from their 7 game series with the Spurs last year: they’re letting everyone sleep on them but come playoffs…BAM.

  • underdog

    It’s an ongoing event.

  • http://www.bbaxn.com Darksaber

    hey Lang? Where’s your “howeva”? Time warner cancelled that as well? Cause you know, it was an ONGOING EVENT? :-) Ryan? Did you see Brosnan mouth the word “wanker” when Jake Ahmadine….umm Gyllenhall was introduced at the globes? That kept me smiling all night long. That and Ricky Gervais entire monologue. He pulled a bizarro Kanye moment while sippong beer…. On the air. Ricky Gervais is the shiznit. So is Mr. Baron Cohen. And Kate Winslet??? Unfair, so unfair. Such radiant beauty.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Money Bill Williams

    You must have the best memory ever to remember a word for word conversation with an operator. GO LANG!

  • Shaun Ow Yang

    Haha! Sounds like my experience with BT in UK now. But its also like my Slam subscription too. I sent and an e-mail in November saying I would move and got a reply that it would take effect with the March issue (#125). My last issue is #123, #124 never turned up at the old address and am still waiting for #125.

  • http://deleted Fresh


  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    Cub: Have you honestly not heard of the Collins Brothers?
    Hursty: You have humbled me with your parkour knowledge. Next time I get into an argument in a bar about the best parkourers, I’m totally calling you.

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  • Wiz

    GO WIZARDS!!!!!!!

  • http://ittakesanationofmillionstoholdthissac.blogspot.com ciolkstar

    Brook Lopez is handling business for my fantasy squad. And he talks like he’s stoned, which is a bonus.

  • Tom

    This is an ongoing service.

  • Tom

    And Bull Lopez is an amazing nickname.

  • ENDS

    I love how when Lang get down around the mid 20′s he stops carring, and the most random lnks are born, case in point the Chicken.

  • http://www.kicksonfire.com Anton

    Lakers/Spurs tonight. game of the week.

  • JoeMaMa

    The Rickey Henderson stories are the best thing going.
    Lang, as someone who’s been on slamonline since the beginning, let me just say you’re the Che Guevara of basketball links.
    Viva El Whit!