Thursday, January 10th, 2008 at 4:28 pm  |  26 responses

Link-based Thursday Hypotheticals

Tall people and deathbowls.

by Ben Collins

Set-up: You’re a scout for, say, a major ACC school and you get a phone call from a friend that there is a 7’7″, 360 lb. senior from the North Side of Chicago. He’s hurt, but you hear that the injury is non-career threatening. He isn’t completely immobile and, surprise, he actually likes to play basketball!

Question: What kind of moron isn’t wooing this kid like Jamie Lynn on prom night?

This is based on UNC-Asheville center and admittedly perpetually hurt junior Kenny George, who is — you’re not gonna believe this — leading the nation in blocked shots! I know, get right out of town!

You’ve probably seen him before. ESPN showed him at the back end of most SportsCenters before he got hurt early last year, then he disappeared, only to return and dominate. And he’s on a team in the Big South. How does this happen?
Anyways, he was profiled in the New York Times today about the generic stuff he probably gets asked every day at the mall. The interview probably went like this:

Interviewer: So, dude, like, how big are those tootsies?

George: Tootsies? You mean my feet?

Interviewer: Yeah. I just wanted to, you know, mix it up a little. I figured you’d get that a lot.

George: (Shoots self in head.)

Either way, the article lets you into his life a little, and visibly shows that he’s unable to lead any form of normal life that you could imagine. Other than the ducking-under-all-doors and never-living-in-a-one-bedroom-Colonial stuff, there’s also the tremendously sad stuff: that there are twelve pairs of shoes in the world that fit him correctly. That he can’t drive any car or fit in any airplane.

Saddest yet: you can tell this kid just wants to draw cartoons for a living but no one will ever take him seriously because, hey, have you ever tried playing basketball before? This is several thousand different levels of suck.

Which leads us to…

Subquestion: What’s your asking price to give up on all of your dreams?

C’mon, you know you have one. Let’s say George is a second-round draft pick in 2009 and hangs around the league for five years as a project, culling about $5 million in the process. Is $5 million enough to make up for a lifetime of public scrutiny and a loss of five years as a cartoonist/candygram deliverer/roofer-to-the-stars/whatever the hell you want to be? The bidding starts at $400,000, canIgetabidderforyoursoul?

Set-up: Portland resident Tim Bush’s Make-A-Wish a couple of years ago was to meet the Trailblazers that he’s been cheering for since childhood. Turns out these were the Jailblazer-era Blazers and most, especially Rasheed Wallace, treated Tim like filth. Local Portland columnist hears this, sticks it in the back-end of a well-written column, and the team secretly introduces him to the new, fan-friendly Blazers without even informing the media.
Question: Seriously, how big of a d-bag is Rasheed Wallace?

Yeah, I know, this isn’t really a hypothetical. And sure, the question should be, “how long do you stick with a franchise before abandoning it entirely?” or even, “How ’bout them Blazers? What a nice organization, huh?” But, really, can’t anyone put their tough guy image aside for five seconds to sign a damn basketball? Sheesh.
All this really happened, as described by John Canzano in an otherwise-positive piece. Lang showed us to the wonders of the Canzanoian feature last year, when the Blazers were the definition of strife and struggle, but it’s the sign of a good columnist when he can write just as well when the team turns it around.

Wait, what a buzzkill this thing has become. Speaking of signs of the apocalypse…

Question: Is there a psychological reason that allows us to eat, and be accepting towards, some foods on the same plate, but not in one bowl smothered in cheese?

This link was a redirect from Ryan’s point toward Jimmy Carter’s pseudo manifesto yesterday. That post solved all of our country’s problems in 1/3 the amount of words that it takes Patton Oswalt to describe the gastronomical wonder that is the KFC “Famous Bowl.”

This bowl, apparently hailing from the glitzier parts of Los Angeles, contains chicken, mashed potatoes, cheese, gravy, cheese, what looks to be pigeon, maybe some squash, some NoDoze, the directions to an audition on the Biggest Loser, and cheese.

Now, most of these things (especially the NoDoze) are kind friends on a good ol’ American dinner plate to begin with. They snuggle together and end up in the same place in the long run. So, it only seems logical to put them in one bowl and have KFC cut down on the plastic to better fit your consumer dollar, right?

No. Us Americans are just too good for everything now, right? They’re just trying to consolidate — that’s right, consolidate — and you come back and make jokes about how this disgusting slab of everything you can grow and breed on a farm looks like death homogenized.

Of all these questions above, I need this one answered the most. Help me help you.

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  • http://www.slamonline.com Ben Collins

    Another question I posed to Sam in an email this morning:

    When Larry Bird is talking about sign-and-trades, do you think he calls Bird Rights “My Rights” and then half-laughs? Don’t you think you’d get really sick of that?
    Then again, don’t you think it would also be self-serving if he called them Bird Rights?

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    First non-author!

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones


  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    I like the font here.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    Just wanted to bring things down a few intellectual notches. Success!
    Hey Collins, you smug, bold-typeface-using little smart-@ss, assuming you like Patton Oswald, you should definitely check out the ridiculous back and forth between him and the formerly great David Cross about. Subject: Integrity. It’s fun. Comics are strange, sad people. It ran on the Onion A/V Club last week. Today, they’ve got an interview with a 50-year-old adult film star. Mllf-tastic!

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    This is even better.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Ben is the motherfu*king man!!!!!

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    Italics. Oooohhh….
    I’ve not traditionally been much of a Sheed defender, and I’m sure it’s possible he was a d*ck to this kid. That said, in all fairness, Sheed tends to look at everybody like they’re scum. I think it’s just how he looks.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ben Collins

    Thine italic Gods seem to have quelled and left me neither that nor emboldened. Hallelujah?

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones


  • http://www.slamonline.com Ben Collins

    Is that kind of like how your little girlfriend was giving the stinkeye in class today, Ryan?

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    Class starts Monday, Collins. Nice try, college boy!

  • http://slamonline.com Sam Rubenstein

    the other day Jon Wiener made an unnaounced pop-in visit, and now Ben Collins does this. Symmetry.
    I wasn’t sure how to respond to your email by the way. I call it the Son of Me law when guys in jail can’t make money of their writing.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    I wish the font could be changed to Chinese characters.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ben Collins

    Eboy: ◊◊ıÓıÔıÍ¨Áı¨ÁˆˆˆÍÁ°‡‚·°‡¨ˆˆ„€‹€ÒÒÒ?

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    Is this what you meant, Ben? ◊◊ıÓıÔıͨÁı¨ÁˆˆˆÍÁ°·°ˆˆ€‹€ÒÒÒ?

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    Damn, didn’t work. F*cking Macs.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Very nice.

  • Phil B

    i hope sheed isn’t a d-bag. that would rock my world. i’m calling this sheedgate. keep me informed. i’m only coming here for info, since i live in portland and get the “pleasure” of reading canzano all the time, so i know not to rely on him for factual and rational reporting.


    For the record, this might make me a hick, but I love those bowls, man. The best were the biscuit bowls they had for a while, with the country gravy and the biscuit. Absolutely delicious.

  • http://yahoo.com The Cool

    Kenny’s parents should have capped his butt with a thryoid shot when he was around 13. When someone grows at a rate like kenny, it’s a dangerous thing. I hope this guy can really find his passion in life and accomplish it. play wit it.

  • Dacre

    I think he should go and ask Gheorghe Muresan what he should do…

    Maybe Gilbert might give him some art time with the cartoon idea?

    I love slamonline.com

  • http://www.mybleedingfingertips.blogspot.com/ Myles Brown

    Latin School of Chicago represent!

  • http://au.hp.yahoo.com/ hursty

    wait is this the kid who got beat down on by taylor hansborough? that dunk was nasty as it gets. that is the next slam ups, who cares if its college. it was on espn today. damn.

  • http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apathy hursty

    i get the hypothetical stuff but…my goodness, ive never seen anyone go at Yao or anyone 7-6+ before like that. its gotta be on youtube already.

  • cj

    that dunk was ridiculous on him
    but i can see this kid stick to a decent team and get 1.something bpg, 3 rpg, 2ppg for 10 minutes or something…and alter about 3000 shots too