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Thursday, January 31st, 2008 at 11:32 am  |  71 responses

You Throw Like Deron Williams

And that’s a good thing…The Commish picks his All-NBA Football squad.

By Vincent Thomas

Nobody is really paying extreme attention to hoops, right now. Right? I mean, New York vs. Boston. Eli vs. Brady. The Pursuit of Perfection. The Possibility of a Historic Upset (by the Giants, no less). All of this overshadows every other sport, right now. So why get in to any real, substantive discourse on the NBA or NCAA when everyone’s mind is really on what’s gonna go down in ‘Zona?

With knowledge that basketball — All-Star Weekend, upcoming March Madness – doesn’t takes center stage until next week, I thought, for this week’s column, I’d hit you with something fun and rather frivolous to ponder. If you took every active player in the L, who would comprise the ultimate squads for a game of 7-on-7 football? These are my picks…

 

OFFENSE

Quarterback: Deron Williams
I can hear and see every knee jerking quickly to the conclusion that Nash should be the pick here. And you know what? You’re all racists, bigots and Jim Crow Babies. Just jokin’…well, sorta. Fact is, Nash would be a great QB. He’s tough, brilliant, enterprising, nimble and, yes, Caucasian. But, Deron is almost Caucasian and most definitely all those other things, plus he’s built like a Ford truck, young, athletic and a bit ornery. I bet he can sling a football 200 yards, off the wrong foot, across his body, into the wind. And he could take a hit or, better yet, avoid getting hit. Gimme Deron.

Running Back: Chris Paul
Chris Paul sees holes and spaces unlike anyone in, perhaps, all of sports. It’s like he has computer eyes or somethin’. And he slides/darts in-n-out of the holes and spaces like some type of juke-machine robot. I like that he’s stocky and low to the ground. I also enjoy the way he’s constantly frowning, seemingly perturbed and offended. I want my running back grinding axes at all moments. Who needs happy, good-natured football players?

Wide Receivers: Josh Smith and Kobe
I want tall, athletic, mean receivers. Josh is my long ball threat. He’ll stretch the defense and Deron will throw lobs to him in the red zone. Josh is also moody, like most receivers. Kobe is the possession receiver. Who better than 24 to run precision routes and catch the tough ones over the middle? What better clutch-time performer than Kobe to convert on critical third-downs? What better cornball than my man Kobe to enact some melodramatic first-down gesture?

O-Line: Fat White Men
I was trying to think of three, fat white men. Alas, the NBA is scarce on that commodity. So I’ll take some liberties. Gimme Brian Scalabrine, George Karl and — dipping into the college coaching ranks — Rick Majerus.

DEFENSE

D-Line: Ron Artest, Big Baby Davis and LeBron
I want a pile of cinderblocks as my nose tackle. The stout Big Baby seems like a good look. On my ends, I want freight trains — big, nasty, reckless masses of velocity, rage and momentum. Ron is a big, solid nutcase. He’ll do just incredible. ‘Bron is not the New Magic, he’s the New Barkley. Now you see why I’d need Deron?

Middle Linebacker: Jason Kidd
I want a veteran, a leader, the basketball equivalent to Mike Singletary. That happens to be Jason Kidd. I want him running my defense. Plus, have you seen the way he rebounds and gets in passing lanes? That’s how he’d snuff out runs and roam the middle, picking off passes.

Cornerbacks: Bruce Bowen and Ruben Patterson
I need defense-first pests, with chips on their shoulders. I was thinking Shawn Marion for one of these spots, but he’d only get jealous because he wasn’t getting the shine of a receiver and then start sulking. Bowen and Patterson are two of the most annoying gnats in sports. Sure, they’ll be getting smoked, but I like them in these spots.

Special Teams: Allen Iverson
The thought of this Tasmanian devil flying down the field, returning punts and kicks, makes Devin Hester seem like Leon Lett.

Coaches: Me, Mike Brown and Eddie Jordan
I went with an all-black coaching intellegentsia. With Mike Brown as defensive coordinator and Clueless Ed running my offense, both coaches are back in their natural roles. Me? I’m The Decider.

 

Vincent Thomas is a columnist for SLAMonline and a frequent contributor to SLAM Magazine.  You can reach him at vincethomas79@gmail.com.

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  • http://slamonline.com mutoni

    i eat casual racism for breakfast.

  • RV

    i see Lebron at QB playing like vince

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    I like Dwight on the D-Line and Lebron at tight end. And Baron as fullback is just right. Great piece, Vince.

  • Joe Walker

    all I want to say is MORE VINCENT THOMAS!
    That post was genius!

  • http://slamonline.com Ben Osborne

    Vince is too funny. I think you picked Deron Williams to be QB since you felt bad after leaving him off your top-5 point guards list last week (http://slamonline.com/online/2008/01/shaq-better-be-an-all-star/) which I questioned but got no response from you. Shouldn’t AI be the QB anyway? He’s got a great track record: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCAkVvNFk-0

  • http://www.slamonline.com Cub Buenning

    Eboy, no doubt on Bron catching passes (see all-state seasons at SVSM) And Antonio Gates would be my two-guard… oh wait…
    The line should open up to some “non-white” guys, put Paul Millsap and Craig Smith up there.
    Go historical, and go “Hot Plate.”

    Kevin Love could probably throw a nice 15-yard out as well, although he might throw it with two hands over his head.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Cub Buenning

    Could you all imagine Rodman coming off the corner to rush the passer????
    He’d make Julius Peppers look tame.

  • http://slamonline.com/ Vincent Thomas

    Boss: You’re taking Deron over Chris? H no. You takin him over Kidd or Nash? of course not. So what you’re basically saying is that you’re taking Deron over Chauncey, which is somewhat conceivable, but a woeful mistake. he misses out on Top 5 by milimeters…it really should be Top 6, since the 6 are on another level from the next group of points.

    I’ve heard all about Iverson’s QB exploits in high school. But he’s frail, old and shaky as a decision maker. I see happy feet in the pocket and a lot of picks. I’m stickin with Deron.

  • http://slamonline.com Ben Osborne

    Yes, I’m taking Deron over Chauncey. That’s what I wrote in the comments last week. I’ll grant you the other four over him but I’d definitely take him over CB. As for QB, fair enough on your logic for going with Deron there.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    AI, frial? Damn, Vince, I usually am with you on all your sh*t, but that’s ridiculous.

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    Eddy Curry could play on the o-line.

  • http://tadone.blogspot.com/ TADOne

    Offensive Line is no longer “fat white guys”. Give me Shaq, Big Baby, and Jason Maxiell.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Cub Buenning

    Eddy Curry could BE the o-line.

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    And Nate Robinson was a pretty mean D-back in college. I’d take him over Bruce Bowen, who wouldn’t be able to catch up to receivers fast enough in order to plant a foot under theirs.

  • http://slamonline.com/ Vincent Thomas

    Eboy: AI is like 5’10, 150lbs. Come on.

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    I’d take Allen Iverson as my quarterback every day of the week including Sunday. ESPECIALLY Sunday. I don’t care how big he is, that SOB is the toughest dude I’ve ever seen in my life.

  • http://slamonline.com/ Vincent Thomas

    AI is the same build as Leon from Curb Your Enthusiasm.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDNFKbNn7Xc SMK

    Nash could be your placekicker, the little soccer-playing furriner.

  • http://Odenized.com Ryne Nelson

    Vince, great to hear from you again. Ben Wallace as tight end. Without doubt.

  • http://why-bother-reading.blogspot.com/ H to the izzo

    Ryne:Doesn’t that involve catching of a ball?

  • riggs

    @Ben: from that video it looked like AI could be this whole damn team lol

  • riggs

    “I’d take him over Bruce Bowen, who wouldn’t be able to catch up to receivers fast enough in order to plant a foot under theirs.”—hahahahaha

  • Andre

    Fat White Men: Aaron Gray anyone?

  • http://slamonline.com DP

    Tyson chandler is my linebacker. wouldn’t nodody f*ck with him and that’s a fact. play wit it.

  • http://slamonline.com Ben Osborne

    Does a small body make someone frail? I guess I should defer to the copy-editing commish, but I thought frail went beyond physical build to also having a propensity for getting hurt, which despite said build AI has pretty much totally avoided through his football career and now lengthy basketball career, despite repeatedly taking it to the rim.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    I like Haslem at linebacker.

  • http://slamonline.com Ben Osborne

    stopped being lazy and looked frail up:

    1. in a weakened state or in bad health
    2. made of weak or delicate materials and easy, or apparently easy, to break or damage
    3. lacking any substantial foundation in fact or reality and unlikely to be realized or be successful
    4. easily tempted and led into sin or wrongdoing

    I’d say AI is NOT frail.

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    It would be fun to unleash either Tyson Chandler or Marcus Camby at free safety.

  • http://Odenized.com Ryne Nelson

    DP, how are you going to have a 7’1” lineback, man? He’d get burned!

  • g_hilde

    Lebron at wide receiver. Unstoppable.

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    And hell, my middle linebacker would be Kevin Garnett.

  • data187

    i think the o line should be oliver miller, tractor traylor, othella harrington, charles barkley and shaq.

  • http://slamonline.com DP

    that’s what you think Ryne. tyson chandler’s skinny ass could catch anyone but LeBron in my opinion. I would make wade running back because kid gets knocked down seven times and gets up eight. play wit it.

  • http://www.myspace.com/2536545 Bryan

    I disagree with most of these picks , except Iverson as a kick returner.

  • http://Odenized.com Ryne Nelson

    Nene’s also another TE option.

  • joemamamunk

    It must be said again: Iverson for QB. He can throw it 70 yards.
    And…Big Baby = The Fridge

  • http://www.slamonline.com Vince

    Ben: AI may be the toughest dude on the planet. I’ll give him that. He is also, however, “made of weak materials” when playing football against Ron Artest and LeBron James. A hard foul is one thing. LeBron coming at him, full-speed, for a blindside sack is wholly another.

    Ryne: There is no tight end in 7-on-7. If there were, your picks of Ben Wallace and Nene would be serious head-scratchers. As Izzo remarked: what ball is Ben catching? Ditto for Nene. Were we picking tight ends, I’d vote a dude like Amare. Big, powerful, excellent hands.

  • http://www.INEED.ORG Tarzan Cooper

    i remember when the kings players were asked who would play what football position and everyone said they would be the quarterback.

  • http://Odenized.com Ryne Nelson

    @Vince Sorry man. That’s why I stick with hoops. :-) …That said, Amare couldn’t block if his life depended on it.

  • http://www.INEED.ORG Tarzan Cooper

    yao ming punt and kick blocker.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    Here’s something I remember reading once in a book I wrote:
    One long-time national high school football recruiting analyst said that LeBron James is one of the top-10 wide receiver prospects he’d ever since.
    So,I’ll take LeBron as a wideout, thanks.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    he’d ever *seen*, is what I meant.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Jake Appleman

    Safeties: D-Wade (strong) and Nate Robinson (free).Third Down Back: Monta Ellis. Outside Linebackers: Mr. Big Shot, Caron Butler. Wes Welker: Steve Blake.

  • Lz – Cphfinest3

    Nice team. But Paul as runningback? I follow you on his knack for finding the hole in the defence, and although stocky dude is like 180 lbs. he would be squased. I would put Najera on the defensive line (he has that annoyingly strong tenacity level + a helmet would do wonders for his looks) and then move LeBron to runningback, his combination of size, strength, quickness, eye for the field (and goal), and ability to keep going with half ateam hanging on his arms would be lethal. And what about Baron? – he has the built. Plus we need a defender with a rasta, a healthy Etan would fit the bill. If a kicker was needed (I know we’re talking 7 on 7 here) Nash would be the ideal one: the slender built, the clutchness, the bad hair, the skin color, and the footy skills.

  • Lz – Cphfinest3

    hahaha.. Like the arrogance Ryan “reading once in a book I wrote”..

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    I like Welker getting his own category, Jake.

  • http://www.myspace.com/impulseshopper_acquirente its just alex

    I like this.

  • http://slamonline.com Sam Rubenstein

    MArbury=Shockey

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Zo would be a great defensive end.

  • Lz – Cphfinest3

    If he still had his knee.

  • Rasheedionics

    This would be great video game. EA make it happen.

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    My defensive ends would probably be Tough Juice and Kenyon Martin. I definitely want LeBron on the other side of the ball. Or going two-way like Chuck Bednarik.

  • http://slamonline.com Adam Fleischer

    You gotta go with LeBron at WR. He was an unreal wideout in high school and could probably still be doing that at a higher level if he wasn’t so damn good at basketball.

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    Darius Miles could play Randy Moss on TV.

  • http://tadone.blogspot.com/ TADOne

    Darius Miles is still alive?

  • Can

    uhhh. is everyone forgetting about Dwight Howard who could excel at TE, WR, Linebacker, Defensive Line, maybe a FB… the list goes on and on

  • KobeStopper

    Michael Sweetney and Jerome James have to be on the O Line

  • FL1P

    Danny fortson as a DE!!! man, i wouldn’t want to be a QB with fortson approaching me fast….damn

  • http://yahoo.com DP

    Eass Yi as fullback! that would be straight Uhhhhh nasty! play wit it.

  • http://yahoo.com DP

    meant Easy Yi as fullback. sorry I cant spell. play wit it.

  • Bubba Chuck

    nice vincent! heres mine: qb: ai! RB: lebron wr: travis outlaw & kg o-line: chris kaman, scott pollard, brad miller (idk y i chose them…) d-line: big baby, dwight howard & shaq middle linebacker: chauncey billups cornerbacks: ron artest & baron davis

  • http://google.com davidR

    i’d rather have monta ellis as a WR, and josh as the LB. who’s gonna keep up with monta?

  • freeridnour08

    Am I the only one seeing lebron as the new age “slash”? Just like basketball he could play every position. And for anyone that cant see AI at the quarterback you must not have seen his highlight tape. And Nate Rob is my d-back, he went to college on a football scholarship son!

  • Anon02

    Did he really say that Iverson is “frail, old and shaky as a decision maker”? Some of the stuff Vince does is creative but some of the stuff you have to say about Iverson just comes off as you sounding like a hater. Sorry, but its true. Just the other day you had your all-star starters and crossed out Iversons name and put CP3, which is fine if thats what you think, but then you went onto say that his 27 and 7 is “close to irrelevent” (as if he’s supposed to still score 50 pts a night with another dominate scorer on the team), I was done. If 27 ppg and 7 asst. is “irrelvent” then that means everyone in the NBA is irrelevent, considering that his numbers are amoung the best in the league. I also find it funny that people bring up Iversons age, but Steve Nash, K.G, Duncan (hell even Kobe is about to turn 30) and so many other elite players that get praised on a day-to-day basis are ALL around the same age if not OLDER then Iverson, so give me a break. That dude plays the game like he is 25 yrs old still and unlike some seems to be getting better with age. And don’t football players retire later then b-ball players anyway? So what does age have to do with it? Now I see why that dude has always had a chip on his shoulder…people always talking foolishness.

  • Glen

    kevin martin at corner….?

  • anonymous

    “Who needs happy, good-natured football players?”

    I dunno, that sounds a lot like Brett Favre to me…

  • Westy

    Gerald Wallace at WR

  • FLUD

    Korver, Hinrich, Herman, Oberto and Mike Miller as cheerleaders. Danny Fortson as a D.E… really. Imagine him and Artest… Scary sh*t

  • anotha dude from europe

    Ben Wallace at DE!!!

  • madis

    Pavel Podkolzin anyone? Ok, he’s not active any more, but he wa a big fat white guy in the mavs roster.

  • J.T.

    Did anyone hear Matt Barnes was going to play in the nfl if he got cut by the warriors last year? I’d take him at wide out

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