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Tuesday, August 12th, 2008 at 9:45 am  |  35 responses

One Day in the Life of Isiah Thomas

Gone, but nowhere near forgotten, Isiah Thomas still occupies our hearts and minds, if not an MSG office. Russ Bengtson imagines Zeke’s post-Knicks life.

By Russ Bengtson
Special guest appearance by Jake Appleman*.

Last week, Russian author Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn passed away at the age of 89. His most well-known works, The Gulag Archipelago and One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, exposed many to the grim life of inmates in mid-20th century Soviet labor camps. For a time, Solzhenitsyn was one of them.

While I have never spent any time in a Soviet labor camp (and given the dissolution of the Soviet Union I never will—score!), I did attend a preposterous number of Knicks games during the Isiah Thomas era. Like Mr. Solzhenitsyn, I endured my share of suffering. And like Mr. Solzhenitsyn, I choose to purge those memories through writing.

Isiah has been out of the news lately, deposed but not forgotten. We can merely speculate—or in this case fantasize—about his day-to-day activities. So with apologies to the late Mr. Solzhenitsyn, I present One Day in the Life of Isiah Thomas:

9:14 a.m. Alarm goes off.

9:17 a.m. Hits snooze.

9:27 a.m. Alarm goes off.

9:29 a.m. Gets up.

9:33 a.m. Places blocked call to Marbury residence. Gets machine. Adopts high-pitched voice. “Hey Steph, nice head tattoo. Is that your IQ?” Hangs up. Giggles.

9:36 a.m. Takes shower.

9:43 a.m. Makes breakfast.

9:44 a.m. Ruins breakfast.

9:45 a.m. Sexually harasses toaster.

10:06 a.m. Falls asleep on couch.

10:27 a.m. Dreams of trading Eddy Curry, David Lee, Wilson Chandler and eight first-round picks for Shaquille O’Neal, Boris Diaw and Steve Nash. Phone hand twitches.

10:49 a.m. Dreams of f*cking a marketing executive b*tch.

11:46 a.m. Wakes up in cold sweat screaming “DON’T EAT HIM, JEROME, HE’S GOT A GUARANTEED CONTRACT!”

12:01 p.m. Sexually harasses television.

12:14 p.m. Heads into city for lunch.

1:38 p.m. Spends entire midlevel exception on meal. Calls Jim Dolan (“the whiskered one”) to officially make it a business lunch. No one picks up—of course, it’s before 7 p.m. Bills Knicks anyway.

1:52 p.m. Drives by Madison Square Garden. Yells “FIRE ISIAH” out window just to see if anyone notices. They don’t.

2:27 p.m. Runs out of gas three miles from house.

2:36 p.m. Arrives home.

2:43 p.m. Makes popcorn.

2:44 p.m. Burns popcorn.

2:45 p.m. Sexually harasses popcorn maker.

3:13 p.m. Puts in highlight DVD of Knicks tenure.

3:17 p.m. Finishes watching entire DVD.

3:24 p.m. Hires 12-year-old neighborhood kid to mow lawn for next three summers. Agrees to pay him $3.2 million.

*3:27 p.m.: Sends Marbury text message that reads, “the D in Duhon stands for Defense.”

3:37 p.m. Stands and watches with lips pursed as kid mows over flowers, newspaper, cat. Gets rid of him after paying him the full amount. Since the newspaper still contained the sports section, this is a business expense. Bills Knicks.

3:46 p.m. Receives response from Marbury: “What the f*ck is a Chris Duhon?”

3:58 p.m. Edits Wikipedia entry on “bitch.”

4:02 p.m. Flips past Brazilian soccer match on Fox Soccer. Satisfies international scouting duty for week.

4:04 p.m. Sexually harasses couch.

4:14 p.m. Calls Joe Dumars. No answer.

4:16 p.m. Calls Rick Mahorn. No answer.

4:18 p.m. Calls Bill Laimbeer. No answer.

4:20 p.m. Calls John Salley. No answer.

4:22 p.m. Calls Vinnie Johnson. No answer.

4:24 p.m. Calls Chuck Nevitt. Hangs up after one ring.

4:26 p.m. Picks up Coach Wooden’s Pyramid of Success

4:27 p.m. Puts down Coach Wooden’s Pyramid of Success

4:28 p.m. Picks up dictionary, looks up “pyramid”.

4:36 p.m. Drives to Costco.

4:48 p.m. Looks in vain for “Bulk Max Contracts.”

4:52 p.m. Sexually harasses shopping cart.

5:06 p.m. Buys 67-inch flatscreen, Playstation 3, NBA Live 2009, case of Cool Ranch Doritos.

5:47 p.m. Hooks up PS3. Undoes Renaldo Balkman trade, swaps Gallinari for D.J. White, trades Marbury for Jermaine O’Neal. Plays game against Celtics, loses 168-3. Blames Sony.

*6:12 p.m. Forges letter to David Lee, in which he, as Donnie Walsh, threatens to make Lee a “space year compensation” player and blast him into orbit.

6:36 p.m. Updates resume. Submits to Monster.

7:10 p.m. Heads back to city for dinner.

8:12 p.m. Goes to Waverly Inn, gets booed.

9:33 p.m. Drives to practice facility by mistake.

10:17 p.m. Arrives home.

10:42 p.m. Attempts to prank call Michael Jordan. Realizes Jordan gave him wrong number. Hangs up.

10:44 p.m. Looks at own Basketball Reference page.

10:46 p.m. Sexually harasses computer.

11:13 p.m. Pours glass of water.

11:14 p.m. Spills glass of water.

11:15 p.m. Blames someone else.

11:26 p.m. Brushes teeth.

11:30 p.m. Checks smile in mirror.

11:33 p.m. Sexually harasses self.

11:34 p.m. Breaks gaze away.

11:35 p.m. Looks back.

11:48 p.m. Picks out suit for next day.

11:52 p.m. Realizes he doesn’t need to wear suit anymore.

12:06 a.m. Turns on Home Shopping Network.

12:12 a.m. Orders $36,000 worth of Bad Boys Pistons memorabilia. Bills Knicks.

12:21 a.m. Calls Spike Lee to pitch movie on Knicks tenure.. No answer.

12:23 a.m. Calls Woody Allen to pitch movie on Knicks tenure. Allen agrees only if he can cast Scarlett Johannson as Anucha Browne Sanders. Thomas agrees only if he can be cast as himself. Allen hangs up.

12:31 a.m. Calls Michael Bay to pitch movie on Knicks tenure. Makes multi-million dollar deal.

12:33 a.m. Calls Fred Jones. Signs him to multi-million dollar personal service contract.

12:37 a.m. Goes to sleep fully content. He’d had many strokes of luck that day.

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  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    Yes.

  • Sari

    12:23 a.m. Calls Woody Allen to pitch movie on Knicks tenure. Allen agrees only if he can cast Scarlett Johannson as Anucha Browne Sanders. Thomas agrees only if he can be cast as himself. Allen hangs up.

    that was by far the funniest one

  • http://www.freewebs.com/betcats BETCATS

    after reading this article, i feel as though i am in the presence of greatness that is so great, i do not deserve to comment on it any further. Genius.

  • http://joeloholic.wordpress.com Joel O’s

    Man, this just made my day.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    I wanted to pull out some great timestamps, but there were to many to pick from so let’s just leave it at……. unbelievable.

    10:19 Sexually harasses keyboard

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com/ TADOne

    10:24- Leaves comment after laughing out loud in front of co-workers about 9 times.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    3:58 p.m. Edits Wikipedia entry on “bitch.”

    I think that’s my favorite.

  • http://slamonline.com Ben Osborne

    Hysterical, and always a joy to see Russ’ work on the north side of the “Post a Comment” box.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com H to the Izzo

    12.28 a.m-Makes a special guest appearance on stage with Jim Dolans band,calls Dolans bass player “The Little Mexican” and proceeds to have three beer bottles thrown at him,half of which by Dolan.He enjoys the night as a whole.

  • http://www.alllooksame.com Tarzan Cooper

    amazing

  • http://nyer.sosblog.com/ Be A Real Fan

    Such bull. NBA Live 09 isn’t out til October. I knew you were lying. >;)

  • http://www.slamonline.com Emry DowningHall

    chuckle chuckle *tear*

  • http://violetsprite.tumblr.com missu

    Hilarious. So wrong, but so funny.

    “5:47 p.m. Hooks up PS3. Undoes Renaldo Balkman trade, swaps Gallinari for D.J. White, trades Marbury for Jermaine O’Neal. Plays game against Celtics, loses 168-3. Blames Sony.”

    That is too funny.

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    This was great. We should get Russ a blog.

  • Kene

    …lmao (this is one of the few times where i am actually laughing my ass off as i type that phrase, btw)

  • jay

    Lang you’ve been saying that since forever. & can we get this on the front instead of the links??? this is too good. 11:33, is pretty graphic visualization. Russ, keep dropping gems like these, really appreciate it.

  • http://www.rich-imaging.com Dutch Rich

    D@mn near pissed on myself.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    How the fu*k does this only have 18 comments?

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  • http://www.slamonline Jake Appleman

    “Sexually harasses toaster.” YES!

  • http://dyalekt.com d.Y.

    Indeed.

  • http://nothinpersonal8.blogspot.com/ nothin personal

    Why comment when he said everything that should be said?

  • B. Long

    Very Nice.

  • http://www.ballerblogger.com Brandon Hoffman

    Hilarious.

  • roda koki

    im so sad, i grew up with isiah being my hero,and i wanna die with that! leave him alone..

  • roda koki

    im so angry, i grew up with isiah as my role model,and i want to die with that! leave him alone

  • EJ

    This is one of the funniest items I have read in a long, long time. I was laughing out loud.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    LMAO. that was great. almost pissed myself laughing. hahaha! :)

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    roda: Make up your mind.

  • http://karanmadhok.blogpsot.com karan

    hahahahahahahahahhaa
    i’m a knick fan, and this is one of the funniest things i’ve ever read.

  • T Bone

    that was the best post i have read i a long time. i was physically shaking while trying to not burst out laughing (out loud) in a quiet office!!!

  • Trev

    2:27 p.m. Runs out of gas three miles from house.

    2:36 p.m. Arrives home.

    Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but how did he get home so fast?

  • chintao

    I can’t shake the disturbing image of Isiah humping his couch.

  • Vicious

    RE: Trev

    He hitched a ride with Willie Randolph.

    2:33 p.m. Sexually harasses Willie’s car.

  • rodakoki

    russ, i didn’t realize i did that. Your comment made me lmao (so so loud) i love it!!

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