Sunday, June 10th, 2007 at 6:15 pm  |  18 responses

The Witness Protection Program.

We Are All Witnesses (of something else).

To think of all the hours I spent pouring over mock drafts, glaring at the salaries of Tariq Abdul-Wahad to see if he would ever be tradeable, finding a friend with regional cable so that I could see if DeVon Hardin lived up to his Native American nickname “hands of stone, heart of lion” (which I completely made up), I can now officially say that it is all for naught. Five years down the drain. I should’ve just gotten my GED.

I am officially a bad basketball fan.

Tonight, I will be watching the Sopranos finale instead of the NBA Finals. The decision came without the slightest tinge of hesitation. I’m a horrible disgrace to this wonderful pasttime. Somebody go back in time and rip that Li’l Penny poster off my wall. It was all a waste.

I chalk this decision up to something much deeper about my personality.

Exhibit A: I have a bitter distaste for the way Bruce Bowen plays defense. I absolutely loathe the idea of Manu Ginobili flopping his way around the NBA Finals. That said, the NBA Finals are enjoyable in that respect: I would like to see the genuinely likable LeBron pull off an upset over the odds, Bowen, Manu, his own coach’s deficiencies and general American indifference and win the NBA Championship. This, in some pathetic sort of way, is minorly compelling to me.
Exhibit B: Tony Soprano and I have become pals. We’re tight, really. We hang out, watch prophetic Westerns, barbecue, occasionally shoot a guy. We are the chummiest of chums.

From there it becomes an issue less of allegiance and more of character. Do I like to hate someone more than I like to like someone? If yes, am I then a bad human being or too loyal? Why do I feel like the answer to this is going to reveal some horrible, scarring memory from my childhood? We should stop this immediately.
Anyways, I’m watching the Sopranos tonight. So is, according to the AP (in all of its infinite wisdom and thousands of puns), most of America. So is David Aldridge. So is some Norwegian guy (VIL TONY KNUSE NBA!?). So is LeBron, too. It’s gonna be a slow first quarter for the Cavs, apparently.

For the record, I can feel the ending right now. Tony stumbles back home from his successful gunfight with Phil Leotardo, bruised and exhausted, but otherwise unscathed. Phil is dead, all is well and things are finally starting to settle. He heads back out poolside, sees his geese flying overhead, and out of the corner of his eye there’s AJ walking out from the house. Tony gives a half-smile and waits for it to be reciprocated, but AJ just stands there sullen, hands behind his back. Tony’s eyebrows furrow and, BOOM, side of the head, Tony is dead. Peace out, fatty. Your only weakness–your love for your kids–was the only thing that could kill you in the end and it did. You should’ve kept him on a tighter leash or went the Witness Protection route, but you didn’t and now you’re dead. Sucker.
And somewhere in here, I’m sure, there’s another David Stern parable, but you can figure it out for yourself. Because I have to go prep for the night where everyone loses in the end.

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  • FatKatt


  • John

    First? really, thats amazing

  • Nothin_personal

    I will be watching. If only for the possibility that Sideshow gets hacked by Horry.
    P.s. A big game from Z tonight. Mark my words

  • John

    key not first..I’m Swedish though, which means I understand Norwegian fairly well.

  • FatKatt

    Can somebody tell me the difference between drawing a charge and flopping?

  • FatKatt

    @ John… Don’t hate… Appreciate

  • Redrum

    If Tony gets into Witness Protection tonight, I win 500 quid (british pounds that is…)from my buddy. He says Tony gets whacked… (idiot…)

  • Nadav

    How about living in Europe and not watching either? YES!

    Soprans ending will equal GF3 ending.

  • Redrum

    I live in the UK and I am watching the ball game of course.. I do not care about the Sops, seen a few episodes here and there… 500 quid would be dope though… I am going back home to Greece for a few weeks, imagine all the seafood I can buy with 500 quid!

  • clair

    is it just me, or did the spurs/suns series have more blood, sweat and DRAMA than half the junk on tv… where is sam when you need a sopranos/nba comparison a la his LOST post from a couple weeks ago.

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    I don’t care if this turns out to be the worst NBA Finals in history, I’m watching the damn game. For any real basketball fan, I don’t see how it’s even a choice.

  • truce

    the soparnos ending was worse than what the spurs are doing to the cavs.

  • http://www.nba.com MALONE_FT_CLOCK

    for the record, manu isnt flopping anywhere, hes getting elbowed by lebron in the face and not getting a call. sideshow bob is the one flopping, and mark jackson thinks the hair helps.

  • Heri

    Watching Tim Duncan on the floor reminds me of the early series of NBA live on the PSone, ugly moves and no 3D!

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    Russ: DVR. For those of us on the East Coast, at least, this was the easiest decision ever.
    But it’s like Steve Perry says…

  • H to the izzo

    Tony Soprano is the coolest TV charachter of all time-no discussion.I’m not going to ask for sympathy by saying that I’m from Europe and I had to stay up till 4.30 to watch the thing but for about three quarters it was tough watching.And in a nice change of pace the usually horrible coverage by British TV was passable and even had “Iceman” help cover it which was pretty cool

  • Maravich

    ^I saw Gervin being interviewed on sky sports, that was hella funny. H to the izzo did you see how nervous the reporter was though? I mean seriously get a pro in there! The guy was sweating buckets.

  • Pablo

    Man, it´s not that you are a bad basketball fan. It´s that you know NOTHING about the game either.