2008 Summer Movie Wrap Up

by September 16, 2008

by Omar Mazariego

Man did this summer suck. Not only where there a bunch of wack movies, but does anyone know how hard it is to find a job in this recession? This was not by any means the summer of O. But I made the most of it. Saw a few flicks. Pollied with a few chicks. Moved a few bricks…literally (the stoop me and my crew chill on was falling apart so I had to move a few bricks out the way so I could be comfortable.) Anyway, ya’ll know my style. I calls ‘em how I sees ‘em. Holla at cha boy.

Iron Man

When I found out that Robert Downey Jr. was gonna star as Tony Stark in the movie adaptation to the famous Marvel Comic I thought, “This has straight to DVD written all over it.” But to my surprise, not only did RDJ do a superb job playing the millionaire playboy/crime fighter, but he was also able to erase the lingering image of his “Black And White” scene where he came on to Iron Mike Tyson…well, maybe not completely. Also Gwyneth Paltrow creeped back into my after dark fantasies. She can “pepper spray” me any day of the week! Iron Man was hot and definitely one of the best comic book movies made. Way better than last year’s Spiderman 3.
4.5 Gangstas

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Anna “Got It” Popplewell’s lips rival those of Angelina Jolie, so any scene she was in held me captive. But then she smiled and I remembered just how British she truly is. Get Paul Wall to fix her a grill. And judging by his rap career, he needs that money more than she needs a grill piece. But the movie was pretty dope. A few battle scenes with mythical creatures and Spanish people being blamed for destroying the world, how could that miss? Me and my homegirl L-Boogie was offended by the latter, but it was a good movie so we couldn’t hate.
4 Gangstas

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crystal Skull
And I thought Charles Bronson was too old to be pulling a trigger in his “Death Wish” flicks. Now we have Harrison Ford pulling gymnastic maneuvers on the commies. Aside from being way too old to pull any of these stunts off for real, the monkeys fighting for the USA, Shia LeBeouf swinging on vines and the script writers confusing Incans with Mayans, it was a disaster. If this movie would’ve dropped in the ‘80s or ‘90s, then maybe I would’ve felt different. But it’s ’08, Speilberg and Lucas gotta step their movie game up. Lucas especially, after dropping two wack Star Wars movies out of three.
2.5 Gangstas

Sex In The City
I’m sorry, but I didn’t see this movie. I’m a heterosexual man. Khalid saw it with his wiz though. Ask his opinion on this one. I think he said this movie was five high heeled Gangstas. (Evil laugh) Muhahahahahahahaha….

The Happening
M. Night is prohibited from ever touching a movie camera again after this piece of sh*t. I mean, the only good thing about this movie was Zooey Deschanel. She look like my future wifey, Katy Perry. (She is NOT ugly, Neida! You hatin’! Maybe by your LA standards she’s chopped to you, but by my BK standards she can get it!) But come on, plants and trees convincing people to kill themselves? And we ain’t talking about the Chronic or no OG Kush or none of those trees, I mean the kind of trees that grew in Brooklyn that one time was making people throw themselves in lion cages and hang themselves and whatnot. The only twist at the end of the movie was that you just became $12 poorer. Aren’t we fighting the war on terrorism? Why does M. Night have the green light to continue to bomb?
1 Gangsta

The Incredible Hulk
Khalid said that this Hulk looked better than the last one. I say the last one looked realer and better. What we both agreed on was that this Hulk movie was way better than Ang Lee’s project. More green action and an actual villain in the movie made The Incredible Hulk an entertaining jumpoff that I could feel and possibly watch again on cable. Sidenote: Liv Tyler isn’t as hot as she used to be, but she can still get it. Just not as early as before.
3.5 Gangstas

Get Smart
Ain’t get to see it, but my homies said it was pretty weak.

Ain’t see it, but my nephews said it was dope. I can’t help but think that the creators of Wall-E ain’t just bit off of “Short Circuit”’s Johnny 5.

Angelina Jolie almost made me want to include her in my after dark fantasies again after watching this movie. Watching her teach the son of a dead assassin how to fill his father’s shoes by bending the direction of a bullet and whatnot had me wishing I was him. The movie itself was gangsta, too. The over-the-top shootouts and twists at the end — like M. Night used to include in his movies — made O a very satisfied man. Though the woman sittin’ in front of me blowing kisses at Common every time he was in a scene started to annoy the sh*t outta me.
4 Gangstas

The movie was basically eye candy. It was cool to watch and had some funny-ass dialogue, but come on, how racist was this concept? A drunken black super hero who doesn’t know how he got to L.A., doesn’t care about helping people and only wants to drink his life away? Then Jason Bateman helps him get his life back on track, but now Hancock’s attracted to Bateman’s wife, Charlize Theron (aren’t we all though?) and comes to find out that she herself is a super hero just like him but chooses to live the life of a simple housewife? Then he learns that the closer he is to her physically the more he becomes mortal and is no longer super. So the only way the black man can remain super strong is by staying away from the white woman. Oh yeah, that’s real original. Entertaining movie though.
3.5 Gangstas

The Wackness
I was loving the music and this movie’s backdrop. It was classic. The flick itself was cool. A young man’s summer of dealing “the happening” all over NY in 1994 while learning that love eventually leads to heartbreak. The psychiatrist who he trades product for hours of therapy was hella funny too. Thing is that doc is just as confused about his life as the young buck. His old ass even made out with one of the Olsen twins. That’s like making out with a chicken wing. Add a Method Man with a horrible Jamaican accent and Khalid getting rowdy in the theater cause of dudes holding more than two seats and you have a movie that’s…
3.5 Gangstas

Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Just like Wesley Snipes was born to be Blade, Ron Pearlman was born to be Hellboy. I’m a fan so I was really liking “Hellboy 2.” When the prince of a world from a different dimension wants to take over this world, Hellboy and his crew are our only hope. That sounded corny as hell but that’s basically what it was. The special effects were next level and the story line was pretty cool. Those tooth fairies made my skin crawl and my teeth ache. The villain prince was gangsta too. The flick was official.
4 Gangstas

The Dark Knight
An absolute masterpiece. Heath Ledger deserves an Oscar, a MTV Movie Award, a BET Award, a Grammy, a Latin Grammy — every damn entertainment trophy available. His performance was exactly what the Joker is: A madman who’ll bring out the evil in any man by putting him in situations that’ll call for relentlessness. A true danger to society. And Heath personified that superbly. And that was just his role. Batman, Two-Face and even Zeus did the damn thing.

Again, my only beef was with Maggie. She reminds me of this chick I used to mess around with that whenever she smiled looked like Gary Busey. Do you know what that’s like? Best believe whenever we were together I was as serious as a Royal Guard in front of Buckingham Palace. But that’s another saga. Hands down The Dark Knight is the best comic book movie EVER made.
5 Gangstas

X-Files: I Want To Believe
I ain’t see it, but Kha said that it was aiiight. Said it wasn’t nearly as great as Sex in The City. (Khalid’s gonna punch me in the face next time I’m in the office…)

Pineapple Express
A stoner flick that’ll lose a true stoner’s attention halfway through. Don’t get me wrong, I thought the movie was funny as hell. Dialogue and stunts were hilarious. But a couple of my green thumb homies complained that there was too much story to keep up with. Let me break it down: A court clerk (Seth Rogen) gets some exclusive trauma from his dealer called Pineapple Express. Later, while smoking a joint, he witnesses a murder and freaks out and drops the joint and peels. The murderer happens to be the only suppler of Pineapple Express, hence he knows where to start looking for the murder witness. Now Seth and his pot dealer are on the run. Along the way they sell some greens to junior high school kids, smoke a lot of it themselves and are involved in a lot of violence. I can see how that can be too much to keep up with when you’ve steamed on a half an oz. before the movie started.
3.5 Gangstas

Tropic Thunder
I’m one of the few Ben Stiller fans in my hood and probably in all the hoods in all the world. I wouldn’t jump to see many of his flicks, but the premise of this movie was too much to pass on. Four actors thrown into the jungle to film a war movie end up being involved in a very real conflict with real guerillas. Throw into that a Robert Downey Jr. who’s died his skin black so he could play the black dude that’s in the movie in the movie. Sort of like Randy Jackson on American Idol, only for real. (You ever hear him use the word “dog”? It’s insulting to the hood). It couldn’t miss and it didn’t. Ben Stiller’s and Robert’s characters had me laughing so hard that it left me feeling like I just did 7 Minute Abs for two hours. From the fake movie commercials in the beginning ‘till Tom Cruise dancing to Ludacris in the end (that was wack actually), this flick did not disappoint on any level.
4.5 Gangstas

Death Race
Yeeaaa riiiiiight…

Righteous Kill
I can’t front. I was twisted when I saw the bootleg to this. But one of the things I can remember is how cool it was to see DeNiro and Pacino acting alongside each other. Y’all know the plot from the commercials. A cop could possibly be killing criminals and setting up DeNiro and Pacino to take the fall. I remember that I’m still in love with Carla Gugino’s fine self. I remember 50 Cent absolutely sucking in this movie. How hard is it to play a thug when you’ve lived that life your whole life? He can’t act and he can barely rap anymore. I hope he’s saved a might big nest egg cause the way things are looking he’s gonna split the night shift with Gary Coleman at some department store. I remember saying “F*ck you, John Leguizamo!” I should support him on the Latino tip, but he’s an overactor. He’ll remind you that it’s only a movie. Gets on my nerves. And I remember wondering if Donnie Walberg was promoting this movie while on tour with New Kids On The Block. Arguably the hottest ticket in town right now. But this movie, I don’t know, dunn. Like I told Kha and Matt, Al and Robert in this flick is like Jay and Nas on their songs together. They waited too long to collaborate and when they did, the end result was a performance that only served as a reminder that they are in fact past their prime. They should’ve just did the damn things a decade and change ago (“Heat” doesn’t count). Imagine DeNiro alongside Pacino in “Carlito’s Way” or Pacino gambling in DeNiro’s “Casino”? That would’ve been gangsta to the 10th power. But alas, all we have is a movie that would’ve gone straight to DVD had it been two no-name actors starring in it.
2.5 – 3 Gangstas