By Omar Mazariego
5. OJ runs back… to a life of crime – OJ is a nut. I’m not saying he’s gangsta (even though he is) and I’m not condoning any of his activities (though I do understand), but when he went into that sports memorabilia shop with those biscuits and stuck the place up yelling “J-J-J-Juice Unit!”, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t entertained. Not because it was a stick up, but because it was OJ! Who didn’t see this coming? He’s broke! He was bound to stick up something. I heard Gary Coleman was the getaway driver. But the source on that isn’t the most reliable one. Times is hard for OJ, fool! It got even harder when Ron Goldman’s father saw The Juice rocking a Rolex on TV and got a judge to force OJ to give it up. Talk about grimey.
4. Larry Craig Gets Bagged – Again, I’m justified via homosexuality. Last year it was Lance Bass coming out the closet. This year Larry Craig the Republican gets bagged in Minneapolis airport bathroom for committing a “lewd” act. The “lewd” act in question was Ms. Craig tapping the foot of the man in the next stall and waving his hand under the dividing wall. In gay world this is an invite for a quick sexual romp. Once bagged, he pleaded guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct. Then when the news went national he started fronting like he isn’t a scientologi – um, I mean Republican. I’ve been telling dudes for years that Republicans are filled with Cashmere mafia flamingos. “You buggin’, O.” Oh am I? I double dare you to use the bathroom next to a GOP representative. You’ll leave that stall feeling like Jodie Foster in The Accused.
3. Lisa Nowak – This white woman was G’d up from the feet up. I swear she’s harder than 98% of these “gangsta” rappers. Sheeee-iiiiiit. Check the resume, homie! She was a Nasa Astronaut who had a side to her was like “Oh no. That’s my man!” and went on a manhunt for the b*tch who threatened her happiness. So she drove non-stop from Houston to Orlando – wearing a diaper the whole time mind you – just to confront a woman who she suspected was romantically involved with this guy she was messing around with behind her husband’s back. The illest part was that she was married. Her husband must live in fear, no? That’s what I need. A crazy ass white girl that’ll ride or die for my love. It would be dope if she was an astronaut too, but that’s just asking for the moon at this point. Velumptious
2. Paris Hilton Does Jail – Watching Paris Hilton cry in the back of a police car while being driven back to the big house was almost as good as my first time getting buns. I couldn’t stop smiling. I know that’s wrong, but I mean who – besides her mama – wasn’t loving that scene. “It’s not fair! It’s not right!!” Tell it to the judge, jezebel! Oh wait, she did. Wamp waaamp waaaaamp! I don’t know what she was crying about though. She – like her dingbat brethren, Lindsay and Nicole – did a baby bid. Even in that cell she was still living better than my fam up in Roosevelt and Bushwick Houses. So cry me a river wit cha weak ass oral game. Yeah, I saw the sex tape, your brain game is hot garbage. How can you have sex with half of mankind and still be basura? Talk about useless.
1. Ya man O went back to school! – Yup, ya read write. This writing sh*t is fun and it makes a little money, but I needed a trade to fall back on just in case the masses don’t see the genius y’all do. So I’m taking Electrical Installation classes. Big ups to my girl, LA, for putting the battery in my back. Don’t get it twisted, I’ma still be giving y’all the realness. Just go here to get your daily fix. As far as these classes I’m taking, not only am I having fun with it but G-Status, my GPA is up there with the stars. So you know I’m getting it in! It’s only a matter of time before I’ma be able to make those electrical joints that you hook up to your nipples and get it poppin’ while you creating the beast with two backs. Whew! Lets get it on!
5. Isiah Thomas bringing shame to New York City – First of all, if Anucha Saunders is telling the truth and Isiah Thomas really did say “I’m in love with you. It’s like ‘Love And Basketball’.” Then that alone should get Isiah Thomas banned from mankind. How corny can you get without completely turning into a vegetable or fruit? If Anucha was really offended by everything Isiah did then why didn’t she quit or go to the proper authorities sooner? Because she was gathering evidence, duh! One big step for women my ass!
4. The Sopranos Final Episode – Man, can HBO f*ck up a series finale or what?! I absolutely loved The Sopranos and no I didn’t want to see Tony pumped full of bullets (Unless he went out Tony Montana style), but can we get a better ending than that? I understand the whole artistic sentiment behind that final scene – man, f*ck that! Don’t think I forgot how HBO left me feeling after the series finale of OZ. I felt like one of Adebisi’s b*tches; violated. That was an even worse series finally than Married With Children’s final episode. Now Tony Soprano gets the blackout treatment to a song by Journey no less! (Journey did rock back in the day though. Blame my pops for making me like those songs when I was growing up). I swear to God almighty that if the final episode of my beloved The Wire or Entourage is anywhere near as bad as OZ or The Sopranos, it’s gonna be a one man Zoot Suit Riot in the HBO offices of NYC. I’ve got no strikes which means I have 2 to spare. You’ve been warned.
3. Jena Six – The whole Jena 6 ordeal was thee most reprehensible racial ordeal that I’ve witnessed since KFC and Taco Bell merged to set up shop in the hood (Really, are we that predictable?) It was a fight at a school that some white kids (80% of that school) started because some black kids (10% of that school) were sitting under the so-called “White Tree.” Cops came, broke it up and let the white kids off with probation and charged one of the black kids with attempted murder. And they tried him as an adult even though he should’ve been tried as a juvenile. And to think that in this day and age, Louisiana is still as racist as KKKramer (I still watch Seinfeld. Can’t front). Even though the conviction was overturned, it was still a spit in the face of everyone who believes in the significance of the black and white cookie.
2. The New York Mets Historical Collapse – As a Yankee fan I really shouldn’t give a damn about what the Mets are on, but it turns out that Carlos Beltran is a cousin by way of marriage and I like Jose Reyes. So when the Mets crumbled like a republican’s willpower inside of a men’s public bathroom, I was feeling a little flushed. How do you blow a 7 game lead with 17 games left to play? Then you lose 11 of the last 15 games. And on top of that, at the very last game of the season the Mets still had a chance to get into the post season with that one win. But instead their aged “Ace”, Tom Glavine, turned into B-yotch and got scored on 7 times in less than an hour. It was painful to watch. Trust me, I want another Subway World Series just as bad as anyone. Hopefully it’ll happen next year.
1. John White Conviction – Oh Lordy Lord. Was this payback for the whole OJ / Nicole Brown / Ron Goldman flop? Come on, this man wasn’t found guilty of killing a young white teen. He was found guilty of being black while killing a young white teen. I mean come on! A lynch mob came to his home and threatened to murder his son – while spewing racial slurs –and then lunged at him, which in turn caused the man to get his shotty. Then one of the dudes lunged at him and the burner went off. How is that second-degree manslaughter? What made this even worse is that once the verdict was in the whiteboy’s father told the associated press and I quote: “I’m going to Disneyland!” I was speechless. And no, this wasn’t in Louisiana. It was in Long Island. All I’m saying is that when a white man gets on a train and blasts 3 young black teens he’s called a vigilante. A black man kills a white kid who’s part of a lynch mob that’s out to get his son and he’s called a murderer. Let a lynch mob show up on my property threatening my son’s life. I’ma be catching more bodies than a male cheerleader. Like Jerry Seinfeld once said: We must look to the cookie!