Pretty Tonys Part V

By Jake Appleman

If you need some background on what the hell I’m talking about, go here.


“We got a history, full of lightning victories
Conceptual breakthrough it ain’t no mystery
Long vision, from giants in every way
Rap czars, magnificent flows for every day
From the East to the ville, from the West to the hills
Incredible rhymes, encouraging skill.”

– And the iron goes to: Chauncey Billups (and the Pistons).


This DEE-TROIT BASKETBALL isn’t going anywhere, as Billups’ MVP candidacy has proven. More on the Pistons later…


Talk about a SLAM double MVP cover jinx. First Chauncey stops being Chauncey and then Dirk and the Mavs can’t finish off the Heat. Hopefully, LeBron won’t get the MVP cover next year.


“Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Heart Street?”

-And the iron goes to: Tim Thomas.


I’m curious to see if Sam Cassell can reel in his former teammate from Milwaukee a little bit. Even more interesting, if Tim Thomas and Ray Allen hated each other back in the day, and Cassell vouched for the Thomas signing, does that mean that Cassell dislikes Ray Allen? This is disturbing because Cassell and Allen always seemed like two of the cooler guys in the league. Also now worth discussing is the Aaron Williams signing. Not because he’ll make much of impact, but because Aaron Williams and Tim Thomas living together on the road needs to be a reality show. For example:

Thomas: Yo, man. You see my new mink coat? I actually went into the jungle and killed that with my bare hands.

Williams: (Mumbles something)

Thomas: Did you see that three I hit tonight with 4 hands in my face?

Williams: (Says nothing)

Thomas: I’m inviting a bunch of girls up to the room. Do you care?

Williams: (Doesn’t move)

Thomas: That’s it. I’m calling Elgin. He’s going to come up here and we’re going to trade you for a bag of Cheese Doodles.

Williams: (very softly) Did you ever think that saying less is more?


“She used to whip me with a strap,
when I was bad.”

And the iron goes: Larry Brown.


I’m not advocating domestic abuse here, but, really, has any authority figure ever lost so much respect in such a short amount of time? Red Holzman would have never stood for the insolence that LB had to deal with this season. Moreover, he wouldn’t have contributed to the problem.


Maybe Larry Brown is Kaiser Sose from The Usual Suspects. He goes from place to place, builds his legend, gets a lot of money, kills people–sometimes his opponents, sometimes the people he works with–and then “just like that, POOF, he’s gone.” Actually, nevermind. Kaiser Sose would have never waited like 65 years to win an NBA championship.