Pretty Tonys Part VII

By Jake Appleman

If you need some background on what the hell I’m talking about, go here.


“You wanna be there, layin’ all stiff, uh
Everytime you go uptown, you get jipped, uh
That’s karma, boy, running your lip, uh.”

-And the iron goes to: Jerome James.


Let’s look at how straightforwardly this quote can represent the NBA’s most off-center big man:

1st line: Jerome wants to play, but can’t because he’s a stiff.
2nd line: Every time the Knicks try and make a big signing they get ripped off.
3rd line: James ran his mouth off after having one good series in the playoffs last year. His bank account was heavily rewarded, but his soul has been damaged forever.

“I’m like the boogeyman.”

– And the iron goes to: Shaq.

Shaq gets this award not only because he’s the NBA’s version of the boogeyman but because it’s scary that we really don’t know which Shaq is going to show up in the playoffs, and for that matter, next year. It hasn’t exactly been the Diesel’s finest season, and this is causing many to state that he’s in decline, but it’s still too early to guarantee that this is permanent. When healthy, he’s still an immovable force. Not knowing is what makes Eastern conference coaches sleep with the light on.


I need to officially own up to not realizing that Shaq is in full decline; full decline and still winning NBA titles. Weird.

“Ya’ll can just crown me!”

– And the iron goes to: The Detroit Pistons.


Top to bottom, there’s not a better team in the league. There’s no reason to expect this to change in the playoffs, unless Bruce Bowen is allowed to play defense with knives, but there’s no reason to believe that the league will allow this.


More “experts” also need to come out of the woodwork and say the following phrase: “I blatantly picked a Flip Saunders coached team to win an NBA title. And I was wrong. I will never do it again.”


“Lit up like a lamp.”

-And the iron goes to: The Toronto Raptors for giving up 81 points to one player.


Sam Mitchell really should have just taken the suspension and gotten out there himself, suited and booted, hiking his slacks halfway up his legs before slapping the floor and imploring Kobe to bring it. At least that way he could have shown us something.


Am I the only one that feels like if Andrea Bargnani was on the floor for the majority of this one, Kobe would have gone for 91?

“Money launderers…”

-And the iron goes to: Chris Webber, Jerome James, Keith Van Horn, Penny Hardaway, Tim Thomas, Antonio Davis, Brian Grant, Wally Sczsakfautreenf$10,000,000nzeradafbiak, Carlos Boozer, anyone signed by or acquired via trade—note I didn’t say drafted—by Isaiah Thomas, among countless others.

“I muffle mother——- up like Meineke,
and write a thousand bar verse that all rhymes with ‘eat’.”

-And the iron goes to: Ron Artest.


Look out, Bonzi Wells. Ron Artest might eat you.