Pretty Tonys Part VIII

by August 08, 2006

By Jake Appleman

If you need some background on what the hell I’m talking about, go here.


“Remind me of the New York Knicks with they jumpshots.”

– And the iron brick goes to: The Knicks.


33rd and 7th is officially 7 for 33.


Add the unnecessary Jared Jeffries signing and the Knicks are now 7 for 34. You’ll now have to enter Madison Square Garden through the north entrance.


Sun God:
“Go and start up your car, start shifting the gears.”

–And the iron goes to: Vince Carter.


This is Vince’s final exam. He’s done well all year and just needs to put it together and ace his final. If this was college, it’d be understandable that the intensified atmosphere could lead to a reduced grade for a student that doesn’t always cope well with stress. Too bad. Everyone and their neighborhood sportswriter remembers that VC graduated college, if only because of the unnecessary drama it created. Welcome to grad school, Vince. You were accepted based on the highly qualified merits of your application.


I wouldn’t say he aced his final, but he still fought hard. The jury is still out on Vince and the Nets in the playoffs. Next year the East will be more wide open and with a bench already bolstered from a good draft–Marcus Williams qualifies as a good draft at #22, even if Josh Boone never sets foot on an NBA court–the Nets should be ready to contend next May. Especially if Vince enters contract year mode and averages 42 a game on 58% from the floor. And you thought Bonzi Wells was impressive against San Antonio. You haven’t seen anything yet.

“Burn a hole through your stomach.
Like acid reflux,
get stuck with your cheap tux.”

– And the iron goes to: the dress code. (See “dead horse” and “beaten”).

“Florida, where we follow the code of the streets and
Making the beats and
We’re taking the East.“

-And the iron goes to: Dwyane Wade.


The only way the Heat advance past Jersey and Detroit is if Wade steps his game up even more than he already has. Regardless, you should never listen to Cappadonna when he spits lyrics that were handed to him by Antoine Walker.


Get knocked down by media predictions 7 times, get up 8. I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that Antoine Walker won a championship. Trying to understand this is like trying to enter some sort of parallel universe that won’t let me in.


“Then I seen somethin real big, sky blue and gold
with whitewalls, behind a large city.”

– And the iron goes to: Carmelo Anthony.


It’s pretty stupid to compare Melo’s game to LeBron’s because they’re just that different, but just as Bron has carried Cleveland, Melo has put Denver on his back and produced time after time, re-defining the word clutch in the process.


It’s becoming easier to forget Melo’s first round flameout because he’s looked really dangerous with Team USA. Coach K is gushing so much over Melo, it’s almost becoming embarrassing…it’s almost like they had to crash into each other during the China game. Karma.

“Took off, continued my travels
Seen a rock from the Titanic
Lookin fat and nah it wasn’t damaged.”

– And the iron goes to: The Boston Celtics.


A career season from Paul Pierce and the emergence of Ryan Gomes as a draft day steal haven’t been able to lift the C’s from mediocrity. That said, how bad is the Atlantis division? Even more remarkable, if the Atlantic is the Titanic division, the Southeast must be the Lusitania, if only because the sense of a lively future keeps hope afloat.

One more note on the C’s: Disaster Dickau, Wally World, Brian Scalabrine, Raef Lafrentz, the inevitability that is either Adam Morrison or J.J. Redick…you see where I’m going with this. (Note: Excessive Brian Scalabrine posturing directly ahead. Tread at your own risk.) With regards to Scalabrine, I’ll admit I was wrong in thinking a guy with red hair and freckles would fit in on a Boston team that seemed to need a happy-go-lucky work-ethic guy that apparently had the right brain-type. Now, can everybody please stop fully blaming him for signing his name under the fat contract that Danny Ainge offered him? While it’s obvious that players need to try and live up to the money, people need to recognize that Danny Ainge was never held hostage during the contract negotiation–OK, there is no proof of any sort of hostage situation. Still, Celtic fans that blame Scalabrine before Ainge for the contract will need to produce a ransom note to justify that logic.


Well, Lafrentz and Disaster were part of the Telfair deal. The point I was trying to make an awkward number of white guys playing in Boston is no longer as cogent three and a half months later.

“Spongebob in the Bentley Coupe.”

– And the iron goes to: Gilbert Arenas.


His talent is the ride, and his personality the yellow blob that will sign countless autographs for your children. How thrilled would you be to walk into your YMCA and see Gilbert Arenas showering in his uniform? What would you do? Would you: A) Say, “Yo, man. 29 a game this year. You really carried the Wizards!” B) Try and imitate him by showering in your clothes and then casually asking him to pass the Loofa or C) Stare blankly. Food for thought.


Dude deserves two SLAM covers, even though I voted for Michael Finley as the most deserving player never to get a cover. Mind you, this was pre-playoffs and I was taking into consideration Finley’s 10 years in the league, and the potential for a Mavs team cover somewhere along the way. I also voted for Eric Montross as my least favorite player and Zan Tabak as least gangsta, in case you were wondering, which I’ve been reassured, you weren’t.


– I just think it’s funny to listen to this track and remove all of its wonderful sensitivity by pretending that it’s called “Mamba.”

For example:

Hustling, Striving, Struggling, Surviving (Mamba, Mamba)

Never realizing, that you were a diamond (Mamba, Mamba)


Somebody sees your pain

You will never hurt again

I see you Mamba

I see you Mamba

If you’re a Laker fan and a Ghostface fan, those two adjusted lyrics have to resonate very deeply. I expect tears, Laker fans, TEARS!


Raekwon: “It’s going down… Let’s go handle this man…”

And the iron goes to: 2006/07

While 05-06 provided some incredible moments and riveting storylines, it’s time to move on and look forward to just how great the upcoming season will be.