The Playoff Appocolypto: Giants at Eagles

by January 05, 2007

By Sam Rubenstein

You knew this was coming. Hopefully you make it through, cause this baby is full of words. If you don’t have the attention span for that, just scroll to the bottom for my video attempt to regenerate the swag.

The NY Giants, after a season of dizzying highs and terrifying lows, are going to face the hated Philadelphia Eagles in the playoffs. For the third time this season, it’s me against my dreaded rival Khalid Salaam. NY vs. Philly. Corned beef vs. Cheese steaks. Good vs. Evil. Pretty vs. ugly. White Jew vs. Black Muslim. Khalid is even braving his way into hostile territory – my home – to watch this game.

Not to overhype and speak in sportswriter hyperbole, but this is probably the most important event in the history of the universe since the big bang, and even that might have been just a warm-up. If I used these same terms to describe the Mets playoff run, I’m sorry. It’s an emotional time, these playoffs.

The sad thing is that I don’t know if it’s a good thing for the Giants to win. See, if they win this playoff game, then the coach might keep his job and several worthless wastes of roster space will be somewhat validated as legitimate NFL players making money. I can’t have that. Among my Giants fans friends, there is one common thread: We enjoy the success of the team, but we hate the players individually. Cheering for this Giants team is kind of like pimping yourself out to the Devil. The only guys on the team that I would NOT cut after the season ends are Brandon Jacobs, Antonio Pierce, J-Load the Hefty Lefty, The Osi, and Mathias “I don’t rough the passer even if it means we lose” Kiwanuka.

This team has drained the caring out of me. I am not the same person I was two months ago. I hate them for doing this to me. They flew high, and crashed down to earth HARD. Has one team ever had so many players caught up in battles with each other and the media, talked so much trash and fallen like this? The last great moment of the season was beating the Cowboys on Monday Night Football. The jump shot dance to a certain Jim Jones song was the talk of the league. Swag was at a Gilbet Arenas level. Tony Romo and Jeff Garcia were backup QBs who had not yet proven themselves superior to Elisha Manning in every sense of the word superior. The Giants beat those Cowboys in Dallas, did the dance, and after the game, Michael Strahan, still wearing his uniform, sat in at the ESPN desk on the sideline. You media whore.

Since then, there were some unconvincing victories over Tampa and Houston, injuries started to pile up, they blew the game against the Bears when I came down with young man’s pneumonia, Eli regressed from “clutch next big thing” to “How far can I possibly take my insults directed at a complete stranger? And I will make fun of his family and hit way below the belt cause I hate him”, there were battles with each other and the press, a soul crushing meltdown in Tennessee, a pity victory over the Panthers, tough losses at home to Dallas and Philly, the debacle of debacles against the Saints that ruined Christmas, and finally Tiki Quitter “saved” the season with the game of his life, most likely forcing this train wreck to end in the house of Salaam. The only chance I give the Giants to win this game is if Eli is knocked out in the first quarter and J-Load and Jacobs run the power option.

I know what you’re thinking. “Sam, you’re going to look like an idiot and have to backtrack and apologize when Eli wins the game.” Not even a concern. He is losing this game in humiliating fashion. There is a zero percent chance of him playing well. Even if hell were to freeze over, he’d still look like a shook up rookie out there. Even if each one of these 20 doomsday scenarios were to take place simultaneously, Eli would still have no shot at winning. If he were a 9th round pick filling for an actual NFL caliber QB, you’d laugh and say at least the kid got a chance to play. Hope he enjoys his next job as a car salesman. But this is the highly paid first overall pick. Draft picks were surrendered for him. The Giants could have had Lights Out and Needles In Shawne Merriman. This is going to be ugly, and I am one million percent confident in that.  Yes, I have confidence in my team. Confidence that it’s going down and the NY Post will bless it with a witty headline like “Bluecified.” Predicted score: 34-13, with the Giants scoring a meaningless TD with the game out of reach when they bring in the Hefty Lefty. Predicted stat line for the franchise QB: 4 of 19 for 38 yards with 3 INTs and a fumble.

I have written about the Giants from time to time in my People’s Champ column, usually as a little blurb before starting the D.A.Y.. The following are some of my greatest Giant hits, discovered only through searching for the word “Giants.” It’s possible that I missed a bunch, when I was so aggravated, I refused to call the team by its proper name. Anyways, here is a look back at the Giants season through the lens of The People’s Champ.

September 18th
I’m in kind of a good mood today cause of the GIANTS.

September 25th
Thankfully I did not watch the Giants game yesterday, as I was playing in my weekend football league at the time. I am writing this from home, but I expect to receive some heavy taunting at work today. Coughlin, I thought you were a discipline guy. Looking forward to the bye week.

October 2nd
There hasn’t been a sporting event that’s really gotten me fired up in months, other than the Manning Bowl and the Giants pulling that miracle rally against the Eagles out of their a$$ (I have concerns about this Giants season now. BIG concerns.).

October 30th
I should mention that the New York Giants are flying high thanks to the latest Dip Set anthem. That means they are a team of destiny. BALLLLIIIIINNNNNGGGGGG!!!

November 13th
I went to the Giants-Bears game last night which was fun until certain events transpired, and I might have pneumonia. It also took an hour to get out of the parking lot. That was very frustrating.

November 21st
The worst part of Eli’s night is that the numbers don’t reflect just how deeply and badly he sucked. On one play he ran backwards 20 yards and fumbled just for the fun of it, and the Jags ran it into the endzone. That was overturned cause of a cheap penalty. So lucky. At the end of the game, the Jags sat back and let him carve up their prevent defense to give him 230 yards on the night, padding his line with meaningless stats. That kind of padding could make Kate Bosworth look like Scarlett Johannsen. And yes, I am aware that those kind of sentences are only to be uttered by sportsguy and I’m going to get sued. I don’t care. Eli Manning has destroyed the rational side of my brain. He is driving me to MADNESS. MADNESS!!! If Tom Coughlin is too soft to get in his face, I’ll do it. This little brother stuff is not cute, Eli. You are the leader of this team. Be a man!

November 26th
Last week the Jacksonville game proved that Eli Manning is going to piss me off for a long time. Then this Titans game.

That is a three game collapse, and the Cowboys with everybody’s favorite Jessica Simpson dating QB, are running away with it. Oh, big game next Sunday. Giants-Cowboys. At the Meadowlands. There is a chance that the Giants might win the game. Maybe Romo finally comes down to earth. Maybe T.O. gets jealous that someone else is getting all the attention. Perhaps Eli will throw a ball so far behind a receiver that it will go back in time and end up in the hands of Plaxico who is taking a nap on the field.

That Kiwanuka play… oh God. We can use injuries as an excuse, but that doesn’t excuse the team stupidity. If you mention the name Tom Coughlin to me, I will fight you. I will fight you in a cage until one of us is dead. I am not joking. I will end your days on this earth. Right now I feel like my stomach is eating itself from the inside out. My eyes are bleeding like the latest Bond villain’s. My hands are shaking. I almost turned into the Hulk three times.

November 27th
It’s only been several hours since the Giants disaster, which I will be reeling from for at least the rest of this lifetime and possibly into my next two or three lifetimes. Attempting to write with clarity at this point is just as bad as writing when drunk and on crack. But I’m going to give it a try.

December 5th
Khalid is not going to want to hear this, but his Eagles victory last night actually HELPED the Giants. Wild Card race, we’re back in it. The next two weeks, the Giants get to face the QBs that beat them in their last two playoff losses. Delhomme and Garcia. REVENGE!!! Bwah hahahahahhahahah!!!

December 11th
Now we have to wait a whole week for the next Giants-Eagles appocalypse. Hopefully Khalid and I can keep the facade of civil discourse alive this week. At least until Thursday or so.

December 15th

December 18th
I smelled that Eli back-breaking interception coming from 10 miles away. I know the man and I know how he operates. So predictable. In a day and age where people overreact to every little thing in sports, I would like to say the following: Eli Manning has wasted many hours of my life and I would like to sacrifice him to the Gods, Apocolypto style.

December 26th
Fire Coughlin. Cut Tiki today so he can’t retire with “dignity.” Get Strahan away from Jared from Subway before they fall too deeply in love. Use a laser to take off all of Shockey’s tattoos, then use that laser on his face. Use Plaxi Lady’s visor like a gag on his mouth. Fire Coughlin again.

There are dozens of other players and front office types I’m pissed off at, but most imporantly, young Elisha Manning…

You disgust me. I hate your face. The only thing you are good at is having the last name “Manning.” Other than that, you are dead to me.
The Giants aren’t even mathematically eliminated. The final insult will come when they make the playoffs and have to play a road game in Philly.

I hate this team so much.

That’s raw emotion. From the heights of the Plaxico catch which I barely mentioned after it happened so as not to run it in (I might be lying), to the depths of the worst Christmas ever. The only thing left to do is try and salvage a little bit of swagger. Before the Bears game, SLAM’s new E-I-C Ben Osborne and I were talking about how it’s so cool that the Giants are not only a good team, but they’re fun because of the jumpshot dance. That seems like 10 years ago. Jerks. It’s up to me to try and get our swagger back. I may have jinxed them with my graphic novel, but sports is supposed to be fun. It was until this team drained what little humanity is left from my being. I tried burying my head in the sand to create a strictly positive tribute to my team, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m pissed at them. This thing started out okay, but as you’ll see I couldn’t stop the negativity from creeping in. Here is my very last moment of swagger.

Quite possibly for the last time ever, this is…. “BAAAAAAAALLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!”