By Omar Mazariego
Nah, this ain’t that wack a$$ Sarah Michelle Gellar flick, this is O’s return. I know y’all been waiting on my new blog, but the website in question’s been having some technical difficulties and are still trying to working out all the bugs and blah blah blah. So for all y’all that’s been missing the kid and his movie opinions, I’ma keep it 100 like Benjamin Franklin or 100 like those extra pounds that Britney put on for her John Starks Game 7 of the NBA Finals performance at the VMA’s. Man, I knew cheerleaders that would’ve wrapped their lips around the barrel of a Desert Eagle if they had let themselves go like Mrs. Trailer Park Dump Truck (can’t even say trash anymore. She’s bigger than that).
Why the hell did MTV think it was a good idea for her to open up the show? That’s word to everything. I wouldn’t trust her with my rubbing alcohol much less my televised awards show.
Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. What I AM here to do is put you on to game. As you may or may not know, this past summer has been a successful one for Tinseltown. Their summer blockbuster line up lived up to expectations as far as box office receipts go, but did they live up to MY expectations is the real question. Let’s see, shall we?
Spiderman 3 – Y’all already know. The only thing that saved this movie was Sandman and the black Spiderman. Topher Grace sucked as Venom. Just read my review about it. You’ll see what’s really hood.
28 Weeks Later – Anyone who liked 28 Days Later will not by any means be disappointed with this follow up. This was a classic in my eyes. 28 Weeks after the rage infection brought the UK to it’s knees, the government thinks that it’s safe to repopulate the premises. But it’s not, and rage runs rampant like Kanye after the VMA’s. Not only was it nail-biting and eye-covering with the suspense (Yes, I was covering my eyes and peaking through my fingers like a little beyatch) but the blood and gore was marvelous. The night vision portion of the movie was hella intense. I can’t wait to own this on DVD. 5 Gangstas
Live Free or Die Hard – This fool is the next Charles Bronson. 100 years old and still kicking a$$. Talk about hard to believe. Even Roger Clemens would be like “Get the f*ck outta here. Retire already!” But the sick plot and even crazier script made this joint a winner. Systematic terrorism makes a lot of sense in today’s modern society. Who better to rescue us than a man whose ex-wife is dating a teenager? And for the record Maggie Q is a problem and Mary Elizabeth Winstead did not get enough burn. Hey Bruce, I heard you blammed out Lindsay Lohan. You dirty-dirty ol’ man. 4 Gangstas
Hostel 2 – I must say I was hella disappointed in this movie. I love blood and gore in a movie, but this Eli Roth creation was just lame. You know the story, tourists get kidnapped at hotel Hostel and they’re sold to people who have the urge to kill someone for no apparent reason other than to make themselves feel gangsta. Truth is H2 didn’t make my skin crawl or make my face cringe like the original. The only scene that made me yelp and go “DAMN! That hurts!” came at the end of the movie where this dude gets John Bobbitted, na’mean. The most entertaining part of this movie was when my man Sosa rolled wit me to the show in his chancletas. From Brooklyn to Manhattan he rolled with the God on the train in a pair of slippers with a Puerto Rican flag on them. Now that’s gangsta. Way more gangsta than this movie. 2.5 Gangstas
1408 – I can’t lie – I like John Cusack. He killed it in films like Sixteen Candles, Identity and… well, that’s about it. So the story is about Mike Enslin (John Cusack) a writer in search of the afterlife or evidence of it. He finds out about a hotel room in the city whose occupants haven’t lasted more than an hour in without killing themselves. So naturally he goes there to expose the myth. Only thing is, that there’s no myth, that room is haunted. I swear this movie should’ve been a ABC movie premiere as opposed to a theatrical release. There wasn’t much cursing or violence or nudity. And my man Sam L. Jackson had like a paragraph worth of lines. That’s like putting Michael Jordan in the game just to shoot technical fouls. Booo! Truth be told the beginning of the movie – which was the set up – was the most entertaining part. Therefore… 3 Gangstas
The Simpsons – I am one of thee biggest Simpsons fans on the face of the earth. I’ve been waiting for this since the cartoon’s inception. So forgive me for being disappointed in this children’s movie. If you’ve followed the cartoon since it was a segment in the Tracy Ullman show then you know that this mediocre movie storyline (Springfield gets quarantined because of Homer and now it’s up to Homer to save the day. Boooo!) was watered down for the masses. The language and sexual references on the actual show is what makes it appealing to old farts like me. But this wannabe Disney movie wasn’t made for hardcore fans like myself. I don’t wanna see Bart’s buddy. I’ve seen his booty enough times as is. But seeing Homer give everyone the finger was thee funniest—and only scene that had me laughing out loud. I hate you, Fox. 3 Gangstas
The Bourne Ultimatum – I’m not the biggest Matt Damon fan in the world, but I’ll give him props for his Jason Bourne character. In this latest installment to the Bourne series, Mr. Bourne finds himself whupping a$$ and taking names all over again. Except this time he remembers everything about his past (drama!) So that in turn makes him that much more dangerous (Why? I really have no idea. But that’s what it seemed like. “He remembers everything.” “Dear God, have mercy on us all.” Sounds scary enough) Anyway, a lot of action, crazy cinematography and a well thought out story made Omar very happy. 4 Gangstas
Superbad – Everyone loves this film but I thought it was a typical meal ticket. The whole “let’s lose our virginity before we graduate” thing has been done to death. Given this was a little more original with the cops trying to be cool and sh*t, the truth of the matter is that the movie was still mediocre. It had its moments with bodily function jokes, but at the end of the day, it was more predictable than Greg Oden getting injured before the season started or even OJ sticking up a sports memorabilia spot (Come on, you REALLY didn’t see that coming? I knew OJ was gonna stick something up after he went broke. I heard the audio tape too. That’s word to everything he said “G-G-G-Juice-Unit!” But they edited that so that people wouldn’t laugh at his a$$ and think the stickup was a joke.) 3 Gangstas
Balls of Fury – Yeah yea yea, I wasted my money on this crap. The concept had the makings of a genius movie. Underground ping pong where the loser meets his maker and the winner becomes part of an international terror organization or something. Instead I got Christopher Walken acting a fool (Frank White is dead to me now) and George Lopez acting like Scarface (that was a little funny tho). So in this movie we have George Lopez recruit ex ping-pong prodigy Randy Daytona (Dan Fogler) to help him infiltrate an underground organization that runs weapons and ping-pong tournaments. Once he gets in the movie gets boring and stale. And for the record, Maggie Q is bada$$ (even though she has no a$$) There was one scene that paid some kind of homage to Enter The Dragon where they let the participants choose a woman to sleep with. Except in this movie the participant has to choose a man. And they don’t take no for an answer. Wamp waamp waaaamp. (Don’t get too excited, Sam and start shopping for ping-pong paddles. This is just a movie.) 2.5 Gangstas
(Note from Sam to make sure page doesn’t explode from technical problems: Ha ha. Welcome back.)