shannon brown

Originally published in SLAM 141

“Hello, Natural Phenomena Helpline, how may I help you?”

“Um, yeah, this is Shannon Brown. I’m having problems with my gravity again. And just so you know, I’ve called about this before, and I’m getting sick and tired of it. In fact, I feel like I’m being completely ignored sometimes. Can you help me out?”

“Absolutely, Mr. Brown. I’m sorry you’ve had so much trouble. Can I have your account number, please?”

“See, that’s another problem. I don’t have an account number. No one I’ve talked to has been able to give me one, either. My name is Shannon Brown, I’m located in Los Angeles, California, and I was born on November 29, 1985. How can I not be in the system?”

“I’m sorry Mr. Brown, but you don’t appear to be in the system.”

“Didn’t I just say that?”

“You’ll have to fill out Form 565643-23-G and send it to the address provided along with a check for $87.15. Once we receive it, someone should be able to look into your gravity situation within 8-10 weeks.”

“Eight to 10… You know what? Just forget it. I’ll manage somehow.”

Russ Bengtson