by Dennis Tarwood / @tuffyr

At this point in the Draft, Phoenix Suns owner Robert Sarver and President of Basketball Operations Lon Babby have plotzed. They cannot believe their luck. Bob is sketching the season ticket package cover on the back of his draft sheet while giggling like a psycho schoolgirl. Lon’s rolling the draft whiteboard out of the war room and down a flight of stairs. Won’t need that anymore!

Hell, even Alvin Gentry has joined the fun by ripping the defensive page of the Suns’ playbook out of the binder, tossing it into a metal wastebasket, and flicking lit matches inside. For the Phoenix Suns will now draft the nascent face of the franchise; the savior of the season ticket plan; the adrenaline injection into the heart of the offense:

With the 13th pick in the 2011 SLAMonline Mock Draft, the Phoenix Suns select…

Jimmer Fredette from Brigham Young University.

Welcome home, son.

The Jimmer is the antidote to apathy from Suns fans after a disappointing season by their standards. A Phoenix fan base that idolizes Steve Nash and held an outsized affection for Lou Amundson will pull Fredette to its wizened bosom without hesitation. Utah Jazz games at US Airways Center are often overrun by Utah fans, so he might even widen the season ticket base before he ever hoists a casual 35-footer professionally.

He’s even stated an affection for the Suns, telling reporters this week “(the Suns) are the type of team I’d like to play for.” One bat of those whole milk-fed eyelashes and Phoenix fans will go weak in the knees. Imagine if he also played basketball!

Admittedly, those fans will be as weak in the knees as Fredette trying to guard anyone with a greater lateral range than a birch tree in a stiff breeze. His affectionate wave applies to fans and men who have just sprinted by him with the ball. He only raises his hands to shoot, demand the ball, and ask to use the washroom during team meetings. He couldn’t defend the steamed vegetable tray at a barbecue competition. And so on.

Oh, and did we mention Jimmer hates carpooling because he can’t drive with someone that close to him? Is that piling on?

It just doesn’t matter, though. He can flash that utterly disarming smile and woo a suit just as well as a tween girl. His jacktastic offensive prowess fits snugly into the Suns’ current construction, allowing him to immediately adopt the Goran Dragic/Aaron Brooks role as second team helmsman. Brooks’ days would seem to be numbered in Phoenix if this public relations la petite mort came to pass, though one could justify Brooks’ reckless driving alongside Fredette’s laser sight for the basket in a teensy second team.

Eventually, Fredette would be marked the heir apparent for Nash, assuming Nash ever shows an inkling of desire to leave Arizona or the League. Being heir apparent to Nash brings theoretical promise of mentoring but ends up a lousy career move in the long run as you can’t replace someone who never leaves. Ask Dragic.

Of course, none of this fully addresses the remainder of the damage done during last offseason’s attempt to collect every small forward in the L as if they were 6-7 Pokémon. It also doesn’t prop back up Lopez the Lesser’s career nor does it acquire someone who can pull in a rebound better than that whiteboard at the bottom of the stairwell.

But one step at a time. First, save the season ticket sales. Then… actually, the Suns are kinda focused on Step 1 right now. Can you get back to them?

2011 SLAMonline Mock Draft
PickTeamPlayerPickTeamPlayer
1CavsKyrie Irving1676ers
2TWolvesDerrick Williams17Knicks
3JazzBrandon Knight18Wizards
4CavsEnes Kanter19Bobcats
5Raptors Bismack Biyombo20TWolves
6WizardsJan Vesely21Blazers
7KingsKemba Walker22Nuggets
8PistonsKawhi Leonard23Rockets
9BobcatsJonas Valanciunas24Thunder
10Bucks Alec Burks25Celtics
11WarriorsMarcus Morris26Mavs
12JazzTobias Harris27Nets
13SunsJimmer Fredette28Bulls
14Rockets29Spurs
15Pacers30Bulls